Lone Wolf

I already know beyond any doubt that I'm a born lone wolf. I realized this for the first time in my life, though rather vaguely back then, when I left one extracurricular sport club I had been forced to join out of a very small number of choices in my junior high school. I simply felt suffocated to be forced to do the same things as others in a group, which I can define now as rules of the collective ego.

Since then I've left a number of other social groups or collectives for the same reason. The common denominator among them all seems to be that I couldn't know in advance the rules of their respective collective ego, and their alternatives have more or less the same rules. Again I felt suffocated after a certain period of time though I left some of these groups or collectives for some other reasons as well.

The most recent collective I left is my first and so far the last "permanent" workplace, and the second last one is my first and so far the last marriage if marriage can also be considered a social collective.

I somehow feared I would suffer from loneliness after getting doubly divorced, but this fear turned out to be unfounded. Professionally I enjoy and prefer working without being part of any institution where I can't choose for myself with whom to work. Privately I have a mixed feeling - though I do miss opportunities of celebrating Sabbaths and Jewish holidays with a life partner, I have to admit that my private life has become so much easier with far less stress.

But spiritually speaking, an easy life by living alone isn't always a blessing. Hardships we encounter (and get over) throughout our life serve as an important tool for training our soul. I still remember the initial shock when I heard in one of the first lessons in the three-year course in Chabad Hasidism I started to take in November 2018 (and will continue until June 2021) that the most important role our respective spouses play in our married life is to make our lives difficult. Nobody seems to be able to compete with them as the most challenging spiritual weight trainers for us.

This and other teachings of Chabad Hasidism could have saved my marriage, but it's through my divorce that I discovered Chabad Hasidism. Without experiencing divorce first, I might not have been able to fully apppreciate its teachings.

Profound Effects of the Traditional Study of Chabad Hasidism

I took a real interest in Hasidism in general and Chabad Hasidism in particular for the first time when I was exposed to one of the main points of the Tanya, probably the most important Chabad classic written by its founder Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi (the Alter Rebbe), as the foundation of Jewish life coaching I receied as a client in a group of about ten frum Jewish men here in Jerusalem about three years ago. It concerns seeing our life as a constant struggle between two souls - הנפש הבהמית ('animal soul') and הנפש האלוקית ('Divine soul').

This idea of "a tale of two souls" kept haunting me since then. In November 2018 I started learning Chabad Hasidism as transmitted orally by its rabbis at what may be the only school in the whole Jewish world where one can study teachings of Chabad Hasidism, especiall its anatomy of the sould, in a systematic manner - Torat Hanefesh School of Jewish Psychology here in Jerusalem. My original plan was to take only the basic course for one year. But I was so fascinated with its teachings that I decided to continue two more years to complete the whole three-year program. I started my third, last, year about a month ago.

In parallel with this formal study I also started learning Chabad Hasidism by myself. I've built a decent department of Chabad Hasidism in my personal non-electronic library. I spend about three hours every day studying Chabad Hasidism on weekdays - one hour for the Tanya (I'm now in the third annual cycle of the self-study of the Tanya) and two more hours for other books. On Sabbath I spend several more hours for the intensive study of Chabad Hasidism, including the Tanya.

The traditional study of the Torah in general and Chabad Hasidism in particular impuses its learners with joy, helps tame the ego and raises the level of consciousness. I'm no exception. Before I started my formal and private study of Chabad Hasidism, I was addicted to alcohol and trapped in depression, but now I'm addicted to the Tanya and filled with joy!

This study has profoundly affected not only spiritually and emotionally but even intellectually. I've completely lost my interest in linguistics, which has come to seem insignificant to me. I've also completely lost my interest in two linguistic movements I used to be involved with - Yiddishism and Esperantism - as they don't appeal to me any more. Language may be an important tool of communication but it's also a double-edged sword. It forces us to conceptualize everyone and everything in the world and live in the illusion of duality.

PS: Today happens to be the eve of the "New Year" of Hasidism - 19 Kislev. So I wish you לשנה טובה בלימוד החסידות ובדרכי החסידות תיכתבו ותיחתמו as we say in Chabad parlance.