"Antediluvian" Colleagues and Friends

It's about two and a half years since one life-changing "deluge" attacked me, washing (away) many things I had taken for granted until then. Now I feel I can already analyse this "deluge" more objectively without being too emotional.

One of these things that have been affected most in addition to my own inner transformation is my relationship with my "antediluvian" colleagues and friends, especially those who didn't know what had happened to me.

My relationship with many of them has evaporated naturally for lack of common "language" with them. I also had to initiate to put an end to my relationship with some others who now seemed to me worshippers of mental idols such as some linguistic ideologies.

I reopened my Facebook account a little less than one year after this "deluge", hoping to get reconnected online with those "antediluvian" colleagues and friends I hoped I still share the same "language" with and get acquainted with new like-minded people. Unfortunately, Facebook has become a constant source of frustration for me as I find many posts by the former very shallow, and often egoic as well. What interests them doesn't interest me, and the opposite also seems to be the case.

My urgent task now is to be less judgmental and more compassionate though I don't know exactly how.

Disconnection and Disassociation from Sources of Negativity

I wonder how you've been coping with the present pandemic the whole humankind has been experiencing simultaneously. Personally I also take it as a precious opportunity to reexamine my life and reclaim my true self. One of the things I've been doing in this respect is to disconnect or at least disassociate myself from sources of negativity.

Ideally, I would neutralize such sources of negativity if they are human beings. But unfortunately, my present level of consciousness isn't high enough to do so. I'm afraid that instead of neutralizing them I might end up getting infected with their negativity.

Negativity can take a number of forms. Outright negativity is easy to identify and keep away from. Two of the subtler forms of negativity are narcissism and stupidity.

Narcissism can take not only an outright form but also subtler ones. Whatever form it takes, it has a negative effect, first and foremost, on the narcissists themselves. The main problem is that they bloat their ego through their narcissistic thought, speech and action, and the bloated ego is a sure way to cause sufferings to themselves.

To the best of my knowledge, Chabad Hasidism teaches that stupidity, or inability to tell what is important from what is unimportant, is a "fertile ground" for the flourishing of the ego and can also befall otherwise clever people. The result is the same as that of narcissism.

Interpersonal Conflict as a Lingering Legacy

I've successfully identified one symptom of my spiritual "coronavirus" as a lingering legacy of my former alcoholism, or a residue of the so-called dry alcoholism - conflict with other people. My unofficial mentor, who is also a former alcoholic, told me recently that dry alcoholism might linger up to several years. While discussing about its possible symptoms with him, I suddenly realized that I'm still suffering from interpersonal conflict though it happens far less frequently since I became completely sober about two and a half years ago.

I'm still shocked that in the past one year alone I had to sever my relationships intentionally with six people because of my conflict with them. I must have conflicted with more people, and fare more severely at than, before I restored my sobriety.

At his strong recommendation I've decided to try the so-called 12 steps the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) with a "sponsor" who as a recovered alcoholic keeping his sobriety for decades will accompany this new spiritual journey of mine, which I consider as a preconditiion for another, far more life-transforming, spiritual journey I'm planning to undertake. In parallel I'll start attending regular meetings of the AA in Jerusalem, now online because of the spread of the novel coronavirus here, too.

I've just finished reading the main part of the so-called "Big Book" of the AA. The following passages from this book were especially shocking and eye-opening to me:

Our loyalty and the desire that our husbands hold up their heads and be like other men have begotten all sorts of predicaments. We have been unselfish and self-sacrificing. We have told innumerable lies to protect our pride and our husbands' reputations. We have prayed, we have begged, we have been patient. We have struck out viciously. We have run away. We have been hysterical. We have been terror stricken. We have sought sympathy. We have had retaliatory love affairs with other men.

Our homes have been battle-grounds many an evening. In the morning we have kissed and made up. Our friends have counseled chucking the men and we have done so with finality, only to be back in a little while hoping, always hoping. Our men have sworn great solemn oaths that they were through drinking forever. We have believed them when no one else could or would.

Then, in days, weeks, or months, a fresh outburst.

We seldom had friends at our homes, never knowing how or when the men of the house would appear. We could make few social engagements. We came to live almost alone. When we were invited out, our husbands sneaked so many drinks that they spoiled the occasion. If, on the other hand, they took nothing, their self-pity made them killjoys.

[...]

Under these conditions we naturally made mistakes. Some of them rose out of ignorance of alcoholism. Sometimes we sensed dimly that we were dealing with sick men. Had we fully understood the nature of the alcoholic illness, we might have behaved differently.

How could men who loved their wives and children be so unthinking, so callous, so cruel? There could be no love in such persons, we thought. And just as we were being convinced of their heartlessness, they would surprise us with fresh resolves and new attentions. For a while they would be their old sweet selves, only to dash the new structure of affection to pieces once more. Asked why they commenced to drink again, they would reply with some silly excuse, or none. It was so baffling, so heartbreaking. Could we have been so mistaken in the men we married? When drinking, they were strangers. Sometimes they were so inaccessible that it seemed as though a great wall had been built around them.

And even if they did not love their families, how could they be so blind about themselves? What had become of their judgment, their common sense, their willpower? Why could they not see that drink meant ruin to them? Why was it, when these dangers were pointed out that they agreed, and then got drunk again immediately?

Having read these passages, I've realized how sick I must have been mentally and how sick I may still remain mentally, though hopefully far less. But on the other hand, perhaps I could only restore my sobriety the hard way by causing sufferings to others, including my then dearest person, which in turn has caused me sufferings. Suffering can often be our best life coach.