Renewed Intensified Combat with OCPD

Renewed intensified realization that symptoms of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (henceforth OCPD) I was diagnosed with some time ago after I got married have been continuing to cause intolerable sufferings to my wife, to say nothing of myself, has been a kind of wake-up call for me, which in turn has made me decide to renew and intensify my combat with my OCPD.

The first thing I've already started to do is to reread - and this time more carefully - Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, which I've found the most informative professional book so far on this problem, in order to better understand, at least intellectually, which "monster" inside myself I've been combating with.

Unfortunately, I can't say that rather expensive one-year weekly psychotherapy has helped me very much to tame my OCPD or even cope with it more easily. I'll probably try another in Jerusalem, exercising my rights to receive mental health care with a nominal fee as a member of Maccabi. I discovered these rights only this month, thanks to someone I got acquainted with last month who also suffers from OCPD and has been receiving psychotherapy this way for quite some time.

I'm also intrigued to try the so-called life between lives regression therapy. I first encountered the concept "life between lives" through Journey of Souls and Destiny of Souls, which I read many years ago. I read further testimonies of this spiritual world in Your Soul's Plan and Your Soul's Gift, which I first encountered and read last April and am rereading now. I simply want to understand why I've chosen this specific life with OCPD as part of the package in this reincarnation of mine though I still don't understand for lack of experience with this therapy how this understanding can also be therapeutic.


Sociocultural Advantages and Disadvantages of Living in Israel

Having had such a wonderful time in my three-week trip in Japan in October, I haven't been able to help ceasing to ask myself if there are still convincing reasons why I (should) remain here in Israel instead of returning to Japan, where I was born. So I've also started asking myself what are for me the main sociocultural advantages and disadvantages of living in Israel in comparison with Japan.

The most difficult thing for me to accept and get used to here is the way many natives behave, whether verbally or nonverbally. I get helpless and depressed rather than getting angry every time I encounter what seem to me immoral or selfish behaviors on their part in interpersonal relationships. What is especially depressing is the fact that these behaviors is the fact that they are no less widespread among frum, at least national religious, if not haredi, natives than among secular ones, that is, Judaism doesn't necessarily seem to have made the former more moral and less selfish, and average Japanese, the majority of whom have nothing to do with any established religion, are far more moral and less selfish than their (Jewish) Israeli counterparts.

By immoral behaviors in interpersonal relationships I mean what seem to me - of course, with my sociocultural bias - so fundamental as thanking and apologizing others. It's so sad that the only context in which many people suddenly become highly moral and selfless is when they see someone in trouble. So ironically, the best period I remember in this respect was during the Gulf War, when the whole nation was in great trouble.

Unfortunately, selfishness is so rampant in public here that in those rare occasions when I encounter selfless behaviors by someone, except when someone else or the whole nation is in trouble, I can't help asking them what's "wrong" with them. What bothers me more is not so much a specific selfish behavior itself but the mindset behind it, that is, the insensitivity to imagine how they can bother others around them by behaving in a selfish manner.

In spite of these disadvantages I still prefer living in Israel, especially in Jerusalem. The first advantage, which is more general, of living in Israel rather than in Japan, is that there is far more joy of life, whatever it means. One can't fail to feel joy of life or lack thereof in a society if one arrives there from outside. Every time I visit Japan, I immediately notice lack of joy of life there. I often tell my friends here in Israel that even dogs seem depressed in Japan. ;-)

The second advantage, which is more specific to Jerusalem, is that it's one of the world centers of traditional Jewish learning, thus one of the fountains of Jewish wisdom. Unfortunately, I can't say that I take full advantage of this fountain here in Jerusalem though I now have three weekly study sessions of the Torah, the Talmud, and Jewish philosophy with my haredi friend and mentors. I'm determined to dedicate more time and energy to traditional Jewish learning to grow intellectually and spiritually further.


Love-Based Emotions as Life Visions

For a private mentoring session I'm expected to have in about ten days in the framework of Conscious Transformation I've been asked by my mentor to think of some love-based (vis-à-vis fear-based) emotions I want to be inside of as my life visions (start living them now). Two such emotions have immediately come to my mind: compassion and empathy. It has also occurred to me immediately afterward that to reach full compassion I have to acquire more internal peace or harmony and after reaching full empathy I'll probably have sense of internal fulfillment.

By internal peace or harmony I mean aligning my thoughts and emotions as well as even my body to my soul. As I still struggle with my problem of OCPD, I realize that many of my thoughts and emotions are fear-based and automatic, so collide with my soul as clouds that hide the sun.

Though I don't think it's right to wait to be compassionate for both myself and others until I feel fully peaceful internally, a higher level of internal peace will make me feel more compassion instead of being judgmental. My hope is that more compassion will lead me to more empathy for others, which must be an important attribute for helping others.

I used to think that by helping myself grow, especially intellectually, I would gain sense of fulfillment. Actually, I experienced such sense to some degree until some years ago. Fortunately or unfortunately, I seem to have outgrown this life vision of mine. Now I feel more and more strongly that I'll get this sense by helping others grow spiritually by helping them consciously transform themselves mentally and emotionally.