Why Active Listening Is Almost a Lost Art

Like many truly important life skills, active listening isn't generally taught formally. Those who have learned this skill seem to have acquired it by stumbling upon, observing (and being impressed by) a very small number of people who still practice it.

But unlike some of these skills, active listening seems to be almost a lost art. I encounter fewer and fewer people who still practice it in any language. In this specific area, human beings have achieved true equality, overcoming linguistic and sociocultural differences. ;-)

The "honor" and "privilege" of receiving unsolicited advice from someone who even took the trouble to invent an issue almost ex nihilo in order to fulfill his self-imposed obligation to advise me ;-) have made me ask myself again why active listening has almost become a lost art.

So the true favor he has done me is not his unsolicited advice about an issue I didn't have in the first place, but this precious opportunity he gave me. I also passed the test of being tempted to advise him not to give unsolicited advice—not only to me, but to others as well. ;-)

It must always have been a skill possessed by a very small number of people throughout history. But our new environments must have accelerated the process of endangering its survival. This is also a vicious circle: the less people practice it, the fewer opportunities we have to observe it - and then to learn it.

One possible reason for this accelerated process that has just occurred to me is that more and more people are less and less patient in coping with the issues they encounter, and therefore increasingly inclined to rush to online references, especially generative AI, for quick answers and solutions instead of actively listening to themselves first.

Of course, these online references are not to blame. The responsibility always lies first and foremost with those who use them. They can become incredible assistants if you seek their help after actively listening to yourself. You can even be helped by generative AI as a possible role model, since it has a built-in mechanism of what seems to us almost like active listening.

Many of those who are used to this must think they are doing an enormous favor by advising others before they are asked to do so, saving them the trouble of asking instead of actively listening to them first.

I still find myself giving such unsolicited advice to others from time to time, though less and less frequently. But unlike before, I can now notice this and stop myself from continuing.

There is one practice I started a couple of years before I left Jerusalem at the end of September 2023, and I still continue it in this new place. Do you want to hear (as if you had a choice not to hear)? ;-) It's listening to stillness in nature, especially during my weekly self-seclusion in nature in the last hour before the end of Sabbath.

I was inspired by a lesser-known book by Eckhart Tolle entitled Stillness Speaks. I must have listened to the audio version of this gem, narrated by the author himself, more than ten times, making this a kind of meta-listening to a profound teaching of a very pristine form of active listening: listening to stillness in nature. Once I get used to it, it becomes relatively easy to apply this art to fellow humans.

If you are interested in knowing why this works - or at least why it has worked for me - you are welcome to read or listen to this book instead of reading my interpretation, so that I may not distort its message (and practice). I only hope you won't interpret this very paragraph as my unsolicited advice. ;-)

PS: It is known that ancient Egyptians complained about their youth. I may be like them. That is, active listening may have always been a lost art throughout history. So I am simply continuing this centuries-old art of complaining - and saving it from extinction. ;-)

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Sociocultural Incompatibility in Speech and Action as the Main Reason for Deciding to Stay Here More

I feel more and more keenly that I don't share a common "language" with most people in the country where I have been living since I left Israel at the end of September 2023. I had to come here all the way to discover that the "treasure" was actually buried back in Israel. So, theoretically, I can leave this country whenever I wish.

But I have decided to stay here davka because of this sociocultural incompatibility of mine with the way most "law-abiding" citizens of this country speak and act. This time, I want to focus on speech.

I often present myself, half seriously, as the only native speaker of the Jewish variety of the local language. Let's call it Jewish X. I have even prepared the following "ten commandments" of Jewish X:

1. The worst mistake in Jewish X is trying not to make any mistakes. (= Mistakes are sacred. They mean you're alive and learning.)
2. Start speaking. Thought will catch up. (= Jewish X is learned in motion, not in meditation.)
3. "I don't know" is a legitimate answer - but don't hide behind it. (= Ignorance is a starting point, not a shelter.)
4. Once you know the alef-bet, start teaching it. (= Fluency begins when you pass it on, even imperfectly.)
5. Say nice things loudly. Say not-nice things silently. (= Let your words uplift, or let them rest.)
6. Don't begin by agreeing. It might offend the other person. (= True respect begins with response, not with nodding.)
7. Speak from your stomach, not just your throat. (= Jewish X starts deep in the belly.)
8. How you say it matters. Use your face. And your hands. (= Don't speak Jewish X with both hands full.)
9. The more fluent you get, the noisier you may seem. (= You're not getting louder. You're getting more expressive.)
10. Be serious about using humor. (= It's not just a spice. It's a sacred ingredient.)

You may agree with me that one of the most important common denominators of these "ten commandments" is playfulness. It is through this playfulness-shmaylfulness of mine that I want to "disrupt" the way many local people speak on autopilot, hoping to invite them to join my spontaneous "party" of words, even free of charge. ;-)

In fact, I have already been practicing this on a daily basis. I make Jewish-flavored spontaneous remarks to passers-by on the street, as well as to workers in city offices, post offices, banks, hospitals, supermarkets - in short, almost everywhere. And I seldom fail to bring a smile or even laughter to these "innocent victims", ;-) trying to implement a Chassidic teaching: "A little light dispels a lot of darkness."

You may think this is chutzpah. Although I dislike the word "hate", I have to admit that I hate to agree. But this time I must agree with you. ;-)

Desires of the Ego and Needs of the Soul

Very roughly speaking, many forms of conventional coaching, including life coaching and business coaching, help clients (or help clients help themselves) achieve "successes", or the desires of their ego, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

Conventional life coaches and business coaches promise their clients "success" in marriage, family life, study, and other aspects of life, or in making (more) money, respectively.

It seems to me that both these coaches and their clients often miss (or misunderstand) at least two important realities of life. First, if we have lived long enough, we already know that not all the desires of our ego, including our spiritual ego, are satisfied. Second, it is sometimes better if these desires are not satisfied, for our ultimate good, namely, our spiritual growth.

Unsatisfied desires of the ego can then often become obstacles that serve as both material and spiritual "barbells" for training the "muscles" of the soul. Of course, we don't have to wish such obstacles upon ourselves or others, nor do we need to invent them unnecessarily.

Having encountered such obstacles despite the help I received from a number of life and business coaches, I have come to realize that the needs of the soul are satisfied in what one might call perfect Divine timing, often in the most unexpected ways.

This is not a naive belief but a lesson I have learned from repeated lived experiences of encountering and overcoming such obstacles, through which my spiritual "muscles" were strengthened in ways that would have been unimaginable otherwise.

Until fairly recently, I could recognize this Divine Providence only after the fact. Now, however, I hope to relate to such obstacles more proactively. I also hope that I have been given not only the power to overcome them but also the ability to discover that they ultimately serve to satisfy the needs of the soul.