Until I received tenure in the university, it used to be my main worry. But since I received it rather recently, I am tormented more than every before in my life by the fact that I have no one to share my life with, including pleasures and sorrows. Of course, I am to blame for this. Although I had steady girlfriends in the past, I was not ready enough emotionally for marriage for lack of socioeconomic stability. Now I am (hopefully) more or less stable socioeconomically, but I have less and less chances to encounter new women.

I try to remain optimistic, but at the same time I also have to be realistic; I have even started about the possibility of remaining single all my life. Actually, I would prefer remaining unmarried to getting married with someone who is not compatible enough. Recently I have realized that I seem to have a rather serious obstacle to finding a life companion. It is the realization that I am not interested in having my own children, though ironically, I do like children (as long as they are someone else's) and have been very popular among children since I was a child myself.

There are several reasons why I do not want my own children in spite of the fact that this is against the basic tenet of Judaism. The first reason is that I prefer enjoying life with a spouse, and this will be sacrificed by having children. I am aware that I must sound selfish, but having remained single until this age, I feel that I have lost too many years of potential joy of sharing my life with someone else to be spent for other purposes, including having my own children. The second reason is that I cannot be enthusiastic about bringing new lives to this cruel and difficult world, though I believe that life in a physical body is a test for a soul. I know that I have no choice, but I would prefer not be born again on this planet, even for the purpose of training my soul. The third reason is a realistic one - I am too old, if not in body and spirit, to have children.

The problem is that on the one hand, I am interested to know someone who is (intellectually and) physically fit, but on the other hand, such a woman is most likely to be interested to have her own children. But "fortunately", this problem remains theoretical so far.