Lack of Sensitivity vs. Lack of Vitality

One of the top priorities in my interpersonal relationships is to develop immunity against both lack of sensitivity and lack of vitality. I had some illusory hope that I had stopped being too sensitive to both of them, but I've seen so clearly rather recently that I still suffer from them though in two different ways.

What happens to me when I encounter lack of sensitivity at both individual and collective levels is that actually, I cause mental suffering through my negative mental interpretations and reactions. My reactions to lack of vitality in individuals and social collectives are more physical than mental. I simply feel that my energy has been depleted.

When I suffered from lack of vitality, I told myself that I would prefer lack of sensitivity. But once I found myself in a different environment where lack of sensitivity was the dominant collective characteristic, I told myself that I would prefer lack of vitality. And this repeats itself again and again. I fluctuate between the two as the lesser of the two evils.

Others are actually nothing but mirrors reflecting our inner self. I may encounter (what I interpret as) insensitive or negative people as ways to work on my own character traits. I can change neither them nor their speech and action. I can only change myself. Developing immunity agains both lack of sensitivity and lack of vitality is an urgent task I have to undertake now, but I still don't know how.

In principle, I like to interact verbally with others, but I sometimes feel like spending the rest of my life or at least a few years in a secluded place either alone or with some like-minded life companion though I know this idea is un-Jewish.

Sensitivity and Negativity

Having been asking myself for a few years, I finally recalled this week the very first thing that had ultimately lead me to the idea of becoming a life coach. It was my self-diagnosis that I was - and still remain - a highly sensitive person and started reading a book entitled The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine Aron after suffering in one environment which I thought was insensitive, and being forced to start receiving psychological counseling. It was February 2015.

Since then I've read and learned a lot about how to survive as a highly sensitive person in a society which seems to have far more people whose speech and action are characterized by insensitivity than all the other societies I know. Having fully realized that I can't change anybody except for myself, or to be more precise, my thought, I've learned to detoxicate or neutralize insensitive speech and action of others without speaking or acting insensitively myself.

Six and a half years since this self-diagnosis of mine, which was later confirmed by the above mentioned and other similar books as well as my first psychological counselor, I've recently started to find myself struggling with a new problem of hypersensitivity - toward a special type of sensitivity - thought this may sound paradoxical.

It's sensitivity that stems from a special type of fear - fear of how you are perceived by others. This fear is rather culture-specific; it's found disproportionately more in certain societies than in others. It seems to paralize not only behaviors of people who suffer from it but even their facial expressions. For fear of how they are perceived by others they gradually lose this latter thing that is fundamental to human beings.

I'm fully aware now that I'm also sensitive to this negative type of sensitivity. I simply absorb this negativity. In one extreme case I even lost the ability to smile for a few weeks. Now I have one special reason for learning urgently to protect myself from this negativity without losing positive sensitivity.

Flow

Simkhat tora / Simkhes-toyre is my most favorite Jewish festival simply because I'm not only allowed but even commanded to express joy by dancing in public. I feel I'm at my best when I dance because my egoic mind stops thinking. It was only recently that I realized that this condition is what is known as "flow".

During this festival we celebrated this Tuesday I observed not only myself dancing but also other congregants (not) dancing and discovered something interesting I hadn't noticed before with an implication for life in general beyond dancing.

I noticed different degrees of flow in those who danced. The lowest degree was in those who refused to dance and sat still in depression in spite of the commandment. I know at least one of them very well personally. This time I felt much deeper compassion for him as his mind must have been filled with very negative thoughts and feelings. Many people danced awkwardly. Then it suddenly occurred to me that what caused their awkwardness must be their fear and lack of confidence.

Let's compare dancing with bicycling. What would happen if you were constantly afraid that you might fall down while riding a bicycle? You have to take a leap of faith and trust yourself in order to start bicycling.

We can expend this comparison to life in general. So many people, including what I used to be until rather recently, are constantly afraid of failures and hesitate to leave their comfort zone without realizing that the worst risk in life is taking no risk.

What would happen if we could get rid of all our negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves and the world by believing that everything is good and trusting the divine providence? We must starting experiencing flow in our life as we experience it when we dance with full confidence and no fear.

I already know the feeling of flow in dancing. This experience must be applicable to life in general.