When We Don't Know That We Don't Know

Philosophers often say that the highest form of knowing is "I know that I don't know" - the realm of known unknowns. But mysticism teaches that there are also things we don't know that we don't know - unknown unknowns.

I've experienced this in at least two areas of wisdom: first, when I "accidentally" found myself waking up from the prison of the egoic mind; and second, when I encountered Chabad Chassidus and began learning its teachings and practices.

Until then I didn't know what I hadn't known. As for Chassidus, I was even naive enough to erroneously consider it subrational, while in truth it is suprarational. Subrational lowers us beneath reason into confusion, while suprarational lifts us above reason into wonder.

I was also fortunate enough to meet Chabad Chassidus, which many sages, both insiders and outsiders, regard as the most sophisticated form of Jewish suprarationality - also known as mysticism or nonduality.

These two precious experiences taught me the importance of humility as the single most essential character trait for turning unknown unknowns into known unknowns, and eventually into known knowns.

My life so far has also shown me at least two very different pathways to humility. One is through conscious effort - humility can't be learned conceptually (that may even make you arrogant), but through spiritual practices such as meditation and prayer. The other is by hitting rock bottom and having your ego shattered - in the most extreme case, losing everything you thought you were.

This is exactly what happened to me and forced me to become (more) humble, as it made me realize so clearly that what I used to think I was was nothing but a collection of ego's illusions. This must be the reason why it is often said that the broken heart is the best preparation for studying Chassidus.

These discoveries were not just personal insights; they transformed my whole direction in life. I even decided to leave academia and become a Jewish life coach, then a Jewish "gardener of the soul", to help others liberate themselves from this prison through the teachings of Chabad Chassidus.

It didn't take me long, however, to face an enormous challenge: trying to convince those who still don't seem to know what they don't know not only to study but even to try for free what I have to offer.

Even after struggling for several years, I haven't found any magical formula for this. I've asked a number of like-minded people, especially teachers of Jewish life wisdom, but none of them has been able to give me such a formula, either.

Then I suddenly realized that this very effort stemmed from the ego - or the spiritual ego, to be more precise - though it may not appear so at first glance.

This has been a very humbling realization, showing me again and again that even the best life coach or teacher cannot compete with a most powerful contender called life itself and that everyone and everything have their own timing.

This realization, which naturally came in perfect timing, ;-) is also very encouraging. I don't have to worry too much when what I want to achieve is not achieved so easily. Perhaps the greatest unknown unknown is the timing of life itself - hidden from us, yet unfolding with perfect precision!

How I've Learned to Balance Intellect and Emotions the Hard Way

Which do you think is more important for a meaningful life, intellect or emotions, or cognitive intelligence (IQ) or emotional intelligence (EQ)? You are welcome to use not only your intellect but also your emotions to answer this question. ;-)

Many of you may have concluded not only cognitively but also experientially that the latter is far more important. This is also what is widely accepted by mavens.

I want to ask you another, far more difficult question: What does it mean to have higher emotional intelligence? Again, you are welcome to use not only your intellect but also your emotions to answer this question. ;-)

Let me "shock" you by sharing what I learned from a Chabad rabbi who based his teaching on the Tanya, the "Written Torah of Chassidus." According to this teaching, having higher emotional intelligence means that intellect controls emotions.

At first glance this may sound like cold suppression, but the Tanya means something else entirely. Here is how I understand it.

"Intellect controls emotions" means that the intellect of your higher self (also called the "Divine soul" in the Tanya, or simply the soul) guides emotions. This intellect shapes the emotions of this higher self, such as love and awe, which then regulate the emotions of your lower self (the "animal soul" in the Tanya, or the ego).

Lower emotional intelligence shows an inverted hierarchy, like a pyramid turned upside down. The emotions of the ego seize control and shape the intellect of the ego, which then suppresses the intellect of the soul.

Let's take anger as an example of an emotion of the ego. If your emotional intelligence is low, anger hijacks everything. If your emotional intelligence is high, the intellect of the soul reframes, compassion and patience emerge, and anger is tamed.

I've experienced both directions personally. As you can easily imagine, I first experienced the first one. In my case, anger led me to rock bottom, which then "destroyed" my ego. My outburst dealt a "fatal blow" to everything I thought was "me", which turned out to be illusions of the ego. When I stopped resisting this "blow" and began accepting this "destruction", everything started to change for the better.

Since then I've learned that this isn't one decisive victory but a lifelong process. The only way for the intellect of the soul to "win" is by winning the battle again and again, every moment anew.

This struggle itself is not failure but the essence of a meaningful life. Balancing intellect and emotions isn't about perfection, but about choosing, moment by moment, which part of you will lead.

This is what I've learned the hard way. In retrospect, hitting rock bottom was a blessing in disguise because it made me humble enough to open myself to - and absorb - the teachings of Chassidus in general, and the Tanya in particular.

The ego, like your spouse, trains your soul's muscles by making life difficult. ;-)