Speaking vs. Listening, Reading, and Writing

This week I realized for the first time that speaking has a totally different meaning for me from the other three linguistic skills, i.e., listening, reading, and writing. When I speak a language that is aligned with my spiritual vibe, it refills my energy. On the other hand, when I speak a language that is not aligned with my spiritual vibe, it drains my energy.

Here is a hierarchy of languages I (can) speak in terms of energy consumption when I speak them:

• Russian greatly refills my energy.
• Yiddish slightly refills my energy.
• Hebrew, Japanese, and English (outside Israel) neither refill nor drain my energy.
• Esperanto slightly drains my energy.
• English (in Israel) greatly drains my energy.

I realized this several days after I decided to stop speaking English in Israel except for professional purposes and started implementing this decision last week. Strangely, however, I don't feel any energy draining at all when I listen to, read or write English.

This has led me to start asking myself what differenciates speaking from the other three linguistic skills. The provisional conclusion I've come to so far is that when I speak a language, its sounds I play to myself affect me very much as a kind of self-hypnosis.

Sounds of languages are neutral in themselves though I've always considered Russian as the most beautiful language phonetically. But once these sounds are combined to make words, then sentences, these words and sentences start to carry various connotations in turn. Russian reminds me of the culture I admire, while English in Israel reminds me too much of the (sub)culture that repels me.

Now I'm appreciating that language is not only a means of communication but also has a powerful symbolic meaning for better or for worse.

Каждый раз, когда я (слышу, как я) говорю по-русски, я чувствую такой сильный эмоциональный подъем. Это вообще такое удивительное чувство, которое я сам не могу объяснить рационально. Более того, когда я пою себе одну из моих самых любимых русских песен, я могу даже заплакать от радости.