Realizing the Preciousness of Something I Might Have to Give Up

For the first time I'm starting to realize how precious something is I might have to give up as part of one enormous challenge I've been facing in life. This is something that must be only second to life in its preciousness to me. And the previous challenge I faced in life about five years ago is dwarfed in comparison with the present challenge.

It's almost 20 years since I got this precious thing by struggling for about ten years. But to my folly, I've taken it for granted and never appreciated it enough. I'm sure that many people will be ready to sacrifice many other precious things for this privilege.

The struggle I've been facing in order not to give it up is accelerating even day by day. I also have to get over my almost daily templation to give up this struggle as nothing I've tried so far has worked.

What helps me get over this constant templation is not only my newly awakended strong desire not to lose this precious thing but also my confidence that this challenge is meant for my spiritual growth just like olives must be squeezed so that oil may be extracted from them as one famous Chabad rabbi I admire teaches.

When Heart (or Soul?) and Mind Collide

I feel I'm at one of the most important crossroads in my life now. I thought my vision quest, from which I returned two weeks ago, had given me clarity and had made me make one important decision.

But I see that my heart (or my soul?) and my mind still seem to collide about one choice that will have a far-reaching influence on the rest of my life in this physical world. My rational mind has been telling me that this choice is absurd and unrealistic and I shouldn't make it. But I also hear another inner voice which says the exact opposite.

Some spiritual teachings say that when heart and mind collide, we should follow the former, while Chabad Hasidism, for example, teaches that the latter should control the former. If I were sure that the collision is between heart and mind, I would follow the teaching of Chabad Hasidism and forget about this fateful choice.

The problem is that I'm not sure if this inner voice that is becoming stronger and stronger day by day comes from my heart or my soul. The voice of the soul is also known as intuition. When intuision and intellect collide, I've come to follow the former. And this is exactly how I decided to make my vision quest rather spontaneously.

Now I recall that actually I was faced with a similar dillema nearly 20 years ago. Back then the solution was very simple. Not following the voice of my heart (or my soul?) was not an option as the voice of my mind came to a dead end.

This time the situation is far more complicated. But I feel the voice of my mind is coming to a dead end again and I may be left with no choice but to make this choice.

One thing I know is that since I returned from my vision quest two weeks ago, I can't stop thinking of the "destination" of this choice. In a sense I'm already living it though only in my imagination so far.

Vision Quest

Last night I returned from a five-day trip, which is probably the most meaningful trip I've ever made in my entire life so far, and am still in the middle of digesting all the insights I got from it. This trip must be a special type of the so-called "vision quest".

In this specific case of mine I wanted to reconfirm the life vision I had identified about five years ago and enabled me to end the previous chapter in my life instead of finding a new life vision for the first time.

The city I chose for this "vision quest" symbolizes for me the beginning of the end of this previous chapter. I felt something deep was still preventing me from fully switching to the present chapter. So by physically visiting this city I wanted to symbolically get rid of this something once and for all.

The quantity and quality of insights I got from this short trip even surpassed the quanity of quality of insights I get in one year in my ordinary life in Jerusalem.

What I wanted to clarify through this vision quest concerned, first and foremost, where I can best accomplish my life mission, that is, whether I should continue living in Jerusalem or relocate somewhere else. And this city I visited this time, which is also my second most favorite city in the world after Jerusalem, was one of the options.

Now I know clearly that I want to and should continue living here in Jerusalem though my love for this second most favorite city of mine has increased even more. I've learned this time the fundamental difference in the types of love I feel for these two cities - my love for the latter seems to come from the heart, while my love for the former seems to come from the soul.

Another, no less important, insight I got is how to accomplish my life mission. Though saying farewell to the previous chapter in my life was my original intention, I feel I'm shifting from the present chapter, which started about five years ago, to a new one. The new chapter must be a synthesis of the previous and present chapters, or a synthesis of the so-called self-consciousness and divine consciousness into the rectified self-consciousness.

The biggest challenge I face in making this shift is that I don't know anyone personally who can be my role model. I'm also facing another difficult challenge I have to get over within a few months. This is also a test for my faith and confidence.

In conclusion, I myself am amazed that such a short trip could affect me so profoundly, of course, for the better. By extension I'm even more convinced now that our souls are here in this world with physical bodies to experience as many life challenges and grow spiritually by getting over them.