2017-12-22

Against All Odds

When I was diagnozed with OCPD about a year ago, or several months after I got married, by chance in our couple counseling, which we stopped received a few months ago, all the interpersonal problems I had been encountering suddenly made sense. But regrettably I wasn't wise enough to take this diagnosis and start working on this mental disorder of mine more seriously. It was not until I received a devastating wake-up call that I fully woke up for the first time. I might have woken up too late, but I haven't given up my hope for treating my OCPD and trying to repair the serious damage caused in two of the most important areas of my life, whether private or professional.

In one area, which is professional, the damage seems less irreparable, but I've already found and started working simultatenously on two alternatives to the present environment where I'm constantly exposed to people and their behaviors that trigger my obsessive thoughts, which in tern trigger my compulsive behaviors, and which, therefore, can only continue to worsen my OCPD as I see it more clearly now.

In the second area, which is private, the damage may still be irreversible but seems very serious, but it was also caused by other problems than my OCPD, which complicates the matter, though my OCPD seems to be the single most significant cause for this damage.

The majority of those close friends and mentors of mine with whom I shared this second story, that is, the damage caused by my OCPD in my private life, showed compassion. But I was (and still remain) shocked to hear someone who has been teaching Musar, or Jewish ethics, for years, tell me that he always thought that this something private that has been severaly damaged had no chance of success. I agree that this remark of mine is also judgemental, but having heard such a judgemental remark with no compassion when I'm in serious trouble, I've decided to show him he was completely wrong, while staying away from him completely. This cold-blodded judgement is in sharp contrast with the warm compassion I've been receiving from my spiritual mentor, a haredi rabbi whom I've known for more than 25 years and who arranged our wedding. Though he is an extremely busy person as the head of a haredi yeshiva, he has been calling me almost every day and giving me advice in a face-to-face meeting once a week ever since this problem started about a month and a half. For me he is also the ultimate Jewish life coach! I also want to emulate his compassion for others.

As for the first story, that is, the damage caused by my OCPD in my professional life, even my mentor is skeptical about my main alternative, to say nothing of all the other people who have heard this story from me. Then I was reminded of almost unanimous skepticism about my visions in reply to three formidable obstacles I encountered in my life. But I never gave up and realized each of all the three visions though it took me more than ten years to do so.

While asking myself what to do to cope with these two private and professional adversities, I was reminded of one book I had acquired some time ago but neglected to read - The Obstacle Is the Way by Ryan Holiday. This book has turned out to be one of the most powerful and helpful books I've ever read in my entire life. It's a kind of popularization of stoicism, or to be more precise, stoic ethics. I've found the following sentences from this book especially empowering:

Tommy John, one of baseball's most savvy and durable pitchers, played twenty-six seasons in the majors. Twenty-six [...]. It's an almost superhuman accomplishment. But he was able to do it because he got really good at asking himself and others, in various forms, one question over and over again: Is there a chance? Do I have a shot? Is there something I can do? All he ever looked for was a yes, no matter how slight or tentative or provisional the chance. If there was a chance, he was ready to take it and make good use of it - ready to give every ounce of effort and energy he had to make it happen. If effort would affect the outcome, he would die on the field before he let that chance go to waste.

First, see clearly. Next, act correctly. Finally, endure and accept the world as it is. Perceive things as they are, leave no option unexplored, then stand strong and transform whatever can't be changed. And they all feed into one another: Our actions give us the confidence to ignore or control our perceptions. We prove and support our will with our actions.

Nassim Nicholas Taleb defined a Stoic as someone who "transforms fear into prudence, pain into transformation, mistakes into initiation and desire into undertaking."

Vires acquirit eundo ('We gather strength as we go').

See things for what they are. Do what we can. Endure and bear what we must. What blocked the path now is a path. What once impeded action advances action. The Obstacle is the Way.

I want to be a practicing stoic! And yes, there is a chance against all odds, I have a shot against all odds, and there is something I can do agaist all odds!

Having been impressed so much with stoicism, or again to be more precise, stoic ethics, I've prepared for myself a list of books to read, learn and implement in the coming several months, which someone else who is also facing some serious obstacle in life may find helpful:

PS: This is probably the longest blog entry I've ever written.