Every time I started learning a new language, I could never know in advance if the culture of its native speakers was compatible with me. By "culture" I mean here the mentality of these speakers. I had to communicate with enough of them to decide whether their culture was compatible with me or not. I stopped learning or even using certain languages after discovering that their respective cultures were incompatible with me.
I say all this because it's often neglected in practice, if not in theory, by both language learners and teachers that cultural competence is no less important than linguistic competence, especially if we see a language as a means of communication and not just grammar and lexicon. We can say what is grammatically correct but culturally incorrect.
This cultural competence in communication concerns, among other things, the so-called speech acts, including how (not) to express gratitude, how (not) to apologize, etc. Even advanced learners can often "import" automatically into a foreign language what they are used to using unconsciously in their native language. I would also add a shared sense of humor (or lack thereof) as part of cultural (in)competence.
This problem becomes complicated when we are fluent in a certain language both linguistically and culturally but feel that its culture is incompatible with us. I've found myself in this dilemma in at least two languages.
What "solution" have I found? I intentionally "violate" with full awareness those cultural norms in communication that I simply can't allow myself to follow, while speaking with no foreign (linguistic) accent.
I've even started to turn what might otherwise become an obstacle in communication into a playful "lubricant" in such a way that some native speakers may become aware of those cultural norms they have been following unconsciously. Once they realize these unconscious cultural norms of theirs, often including their absurdity, they laugh with me instead of my laughing at them.
Recently I've discovered something truly amazing and even consoling, at least for me. What really counts in heart-to-heart communication is neither linguistic competence nor cultural competence. What comes from our heart - with genuine care and/or curiosity - enters the heart of our interlocutor even when we are culturally incompatible with each other.
Now I suddenly recall that I've already experienced true heart-to-heart communication, where silence with action, such as hugging and offering help, can be far more eloquent in certain contexts where speech seems too powerless and totally out of place.
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