Memoir of One Chabadnik Who Spent 20 Years in Soviet Labor Camps

When I decided to stop resisting the Force that seemed much bigger than mine and flowing with it, I also had to make a very difficult decision about what to do with about 400 Chabad Chassidic books that had been accumulated since I first took an interest in the teachings of Chabad Chassidus as life wisdom six years ago.

For a couple of practical reasons I could take or send only up to about 80 of these books (together with about ten dictionaries of Hebrew, Yiddish, Esperanto and Russian as well as about ten references of Russian for advanced learners). I spent the last month almost every day in Jerusalem asking myself which 80 books to choose as I might not be able to see the rest for many years to come.

During this period I encountered and devoured a book entitled Subbota - a memoir of one Chabadnik who spent 20 years in Soviet labor camps simply because of his Yiddishkeit. Subbota means 'Sabbath' in Russian. He got this nickname because he strickly kept Sabbaths and Jewish holidays in adverse physical and other conditions. And this is also the title of this truly amazing memoir.

Compared to his situation, my personal mission must look like a paradise. But there is one common denominator. Both of us are totally detached from a Jewish community. When I read this memoir for the first time on one of my last weeks in Jerusalem, I was not only deeply touched but also felt enormously empowered. If he could survive 20 years of Soviet labor camps, I must also be able to complete my personal mission in much favorable conditions.

Having seen that this memoir has 52 chapters, I've decided to read one chapter every Sabbath every year until I complete my personal mission. I'll start this weekly reading this coming January.

Jewish "Ark"

There are two things without which I might not have dared to leave Jerusalem two months ago for an extended period of time. The first is the fact that I was lucky enough to have studied Chabad Chassidus for three years in Jerusalem. Thanks to this study I feel I'll probably be able to live in any sociocultural environment as the life wisdom I've received from it protects me from "darkness" even in a totally non-Jewish environment.

The second is related to this first thing. It's part of the Chabad Chassidic library I built in the past five years or so - probably about 500 volumes in Hebrew, English, Russian and Yiddish. For the huge cost of sending them abroad and lack of space in the new location of my present personal mission I could only take about 80 volumes from this library, leaving the rest at my close Chabad friend's place in Jerusalem.

The last of the five parcels of these books I asked this friend of mine to send me finally arrived here this week. For the first time in two months I feel I'm again aboard a Jewish "ark" - a term Baal Shem Tov used for the study of Torah as an esoteric interpretation of Noah's ark. Here is the list of these 80 volumes in Hebrew, English, Russian and Yiddish.

I study some of them daily and some others weekly for my regular spiritual nourishment. But the most important thing is their very physical presence! It's so surrealistic that such quintessentially Jewish books are in such an isolated place in the Jewish world atlas. But precisely because of this physical isolation even a little light can help dispel darkness.

Blind Love vs. True Love

How would you react if you should suspect that someone who is dear to you is committing a morally unacceptable act? Would you check the issue until you confirm or dispel your suspicion, or would you pretend as if nothing happened and simply ignore the suspicion? And how would you react if your suspicion should be confirmed? Would you rebuke that person, or would you pretend as if nothing happened and simply ignore the confirmed suspicion?

About a month ago I started to suspect that some organization that had helped me a lot has been committing one morally unacceptable act. So I shared this suspicion of mine with someone I considered a close friend of mine who still belongs to this organization. Then he said goodbye to me.

Since then I continued investigating this issue, until I confirmed this suspicion. I shared this confirmed suspicion this week with someone else I also considered a good friend of mine who still belongs to this same organization. He also said goodbye to me.

I never expected such a reaction as we discussed about almost every topic under the sun. But thanks to this same reaction of them I also had an unexpected chance to think about what true love is.

I know that this organization is very dear to them, but their love for it seems more like blind love than true love. And this blind love of theirs seems to stem from blind faith in this organization.

I already know from my prior experiences that any rational proof that can discredit their blind faith will only make them stubborn and they will even start accusing me as a traitor. Since they don't know what they don't know and aren't even open to new ideas, I'm left with no choice but to reciprocate them by saying goodbye to them, though only in my mind like them, and walk away from them, wishing that they would someday have true love for this organization.

I strongly believe that true love is to rebuke the person or organization that is dear to you when they commit some morally unacceptable act even by paying the price of losing friends. Actually, such people who are so quick to say goodbye to me in such a situation don't seem to have ever been my true friends. This was my (and their) illusion.

Obsession with Knowing

"To know another human being in their essence, you don't really need to know anything about them - their past, their history, their story. We confuse knowing about with a deeper knowing that is non-conceptual. Knowing about and knowing are totally different modalities. One is concerned with form, the other with the formless. One operates through thought, the other through stillness." - Eckhart Tolle (Stillness Speaks)

In a country like Israel where many Jews (and their non-Jewish spouses) immigrate the most commonly asked first question people ask when they meet someone for the first time is "Where are you from?". What probably all of them mean by this seemingly naive question is "Where is your physical body from?"

I don't know how many of them are aware that each one of us is a soul that borrows a physical body, and actually all the souls come from (or are parts of) the same one Source.

I've noticed that most of these people start unconsciously labeling others they ask this question. The more they ask them similar questions to know about them, the less they know them in their essence as the above quote explains so succinctly.

I've also noticed that many people, not only in Israel but also probably eveywhere, are obsessed with knowing about others and things in general in order to satisfy their instinctive urge to label them unconsciously. (Some of you may think that I'm labeling them, but this is meta-labeling. ;-) )

When I told my friends and acquaintances in Jerusalem about my plan to leave the city at least for several years, I didn't tell them, except for a select few, my destination so that they might not start labeling my personal "mission" and engaging in rumors. This must have been a torture for some of them, and a few of them even told me so explicitly.

As part of the result of the first series of my awakenings I've gradually come to let go of this obsession, feeling totally fine with not knowing everything possible about everyone and everything. I've even started asking no questions when I meet someone new so that I may not start labeling him or her; I try to feel his or her presence and spiritual vibe instead.

As I continued this practice as well as daily meditation and weekly seclution in nature, during which I try not to conceptualize anything, I've come to have more moments of silence and freedom from thinking with each moment becoming longer and longer.

My present challenge is to remain calm even when surrounded by people with this obsession and bombarded with their questions to know about me and others.

Third Series of Awakenings

When I started experiencing six years ago what I can call now my first series of awakenings, I wasn't aware that I was waking up. What did I wake up form exactly? In a nutshell, I've woken up from the prison of my egoic mind.

It was by sheer divine grace that I've been liberated from what seemed a life sentence. I've been experiencing waves of awakenings since then with each wave becoming smaller and smaller.

I started experiencing my second series of awakenings in early 2022 in a different area, which I can call now a subset of the mind-made prison, or to be more precise, its mechanism. I've graducally woken up from the way the collective ego of what seems the single most destructive evil force in the world now has been using its propaganda tools to collectively brainwash us all over the world.

I first realized this mechanism, again by sheer chance, though not by divine grace this time, in a very specific context. Having identified this mechanism, I could apply my newly acquired tool to understand other, previous, propagandas retroactively.

Since about one month ago I've started experiencing my third series of awakinings. This time I'm waking up from the content of one specific propaganda. My two previous series of awakenings have helped me to identify this progaganda quite immediately when it started. I could even identify retroactively how it has been repeated again and again since many years ago.

This third series of awakenings is the least essential in nature as awakenings, but it's the most shocking one to me as it concerns me personally and may affect my future significantly. But it's still too early to decide as I've just started experiencing the first wave of this series of awakenings.

Collective Ego

I wonder how many of you are aware that ego can be not only individual but also collective. Just as individuals have ego, so do social collectives and even social systems. The former range from nations, stats and companies to communities and clubs. The latter include, for example, languages. Yes, languages also have collective ego, which is known as normative grammar.

The characteristic these two types of ego have in common is that they are meant to protect themselves, which are nothing but illusions. For this purpose of protecting their illusory self they have to keep maintaining the illusion that they are separate beings from others.

Let's take societies at the national level. Culture in the wide sense of the word is a collection of rules of collective ego. These rules are not codified, but are transmitted as sociocultural norms and common senses, first through families, then through communities, and finally through formal education, and we are brainwashed unconsciously little by little.

At least according to my own experiences, about 70 or 80 percent of the members of every social collective unconsciously follow the rules dictated by its collective ego. In other words, these people continue living by blindly following what their collective considers right. And they in tern become propaganda tools for brainwashing new members of this collective.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I experienced being ostracized as a result of my resistance to the pressure of the collective ego of the junior high school I attended. Thanks to this primordial experience in my mid-teens, I've come to instinctively reject what I perceive as collective ego. This way I've repeatedly left many of the social collectives I belonged to or was forced to belong to. The most recent resistance of mine is to quit my permanent position in academia in order to liberate myself from its collective ego.

Let me elaborate upon the main purpose of any collective ego - maintaining the continued existence of the social collective it serves. It attacks mercilessly any member or any other social collective that threatens this continued existence, which is again nothing but an illusion. One of the most typical non-physical attacks is ostracizing. But if this and other non-physical measures don't work, certain members won't hesitate to physically attack those who threaten their social collective. In rather simplistic terms, this must the ultimate cause for international and other conflicts between social collectives.

Living by following what the collective ego of any social collective we belong to or are forced to belong to have the advantage of leading a non-turbulent life and we may also enjoy the additional benefit of winning the rat race. But I seriously doubt whether such life will lead to the fulfillment of our true life purpose, which is spiritual growth.

It may not be so realistic to revolt against collective ego, but we can step aside from what it dictates to us and gradually shift to life that will contribute to our spiritual growth.

Visa and Educational Initiative

Last week I finally received a visa from the country of the destination of this personal mission of mine. It's about one month since I came here. The specific place where I'm conducting this mission is increadibly calm, which contributes to my inner calmness though I remain quite preoccupied with news and analyses about what's been happening in Israel since October 7.

Having received this long awaited visa, I can now start the public part of this hopefully temporary departure from Jerusalem in a totally new environment, whether physically and socioculturally. I'm launching a new educational initiative I've been incubating since I accepted this call for leaving my comfort zone in Jerusalem and undertaking a public mission, too, which is - sorry for my chutzpah - transforming darkness into light in this new physical and sociocultural environment where inner darkness is far thicker than in Israel according to the teachings of Chabad Chassidus, which I had the privilege of learning for three years at a special school in Jerusalem.

The Sixth Rebbe of Chabad writes ("Hayom Yom", Cheshvan 1):

Ever since G‑d told our father Avraham, "Go from your land etc." and it is then written "Avram kept travelling southward," we have the beginning of the mystery of birurim. By decree of Divine Providence man goes about his travels to the place where the "sparks" that he must purify await their redemption.

Tzadikim, who have vision, see where their birurim await them and go there deliberately. As for ordinary folk, The Cause of all causes and the Prime Mover3 brings about various reasons and circumstances that bring these people to that place where lies their obligation to perform the avoda of birurim.

When I encountered this passage in my daily study of this Chabad classic about a half month ago, I was electrified as I felt it was exactly about and for me!

I've just announced the launch of this educational initiative of mine for the possible audience in this new place. It includes the following activities:

• Courses
  • Jewish life questions
  • Jewish life wisdom
  • Introduction to Jewish classics
• Coaching
  • Jewish life coaching
• Reaching circle
  • Introduction to Chabad Chassidus

I see myself as an unofficial emissary of Chabad in this remote place where a number of pioneers are already working as official emissaries of Chabad. Unlike them I'm more or less fluent in the local language though I speak its Jewish "dialect". ;-)

I'm finally starting the practical part of my "hero's journey". This journey may not be so easy, and I can already anticipate and am ready for possible challenges. But I'm also equally convinced that these challenges will squeeze "olives" inside me and extract "olive oil" from them.

Still Haunted by One Manifestation of the Collective Ego of Israeli Academia outside Israel

Every social collective has its own collective ego, and academia is no exception. Outsiders may idealize academia, but since I've already left it, I'd like to confess that one of the reasons, if not the main one, for deciding to leave it, was some manifestations of its collective ego.

The most unbearable one for me was mutual instant gratifications by its members. This phenomenon called mutual instant gratifications isn't restricted to academia. You can witness it on social media platforms such as Facebook, which is why I've stopped using Facebook for active personal purposes.

Mutual instant gratifications in Israeli academia as I witnessed them among linguists took several forms. Its two manifestations especially bothered me, and I even protested publicly to those who were their habitual "perpetrators". One of the passive participants in this collective "mental ***" was kind enough to warn me. Even back then I knowingly broke one of the "sacred" rules of the collective ego of this social collective.

The first of these two most bothering manifestations of mutual instant gratifications among Israeli linguists is to publicly send private congratulations for the academic promotion of some other fellow, e.g., on a professional mailing list. Then the same chain reaction immediately starts - joining in this celebration by publicly sending private greetings.

The second concerns what must be the happient moment for many researchers, including linguists, and not only in Israel - it's when their peer-reviewed papers have finally been published. Then many of them lose no time in sending electronic copies of their just published papers to as many fellows as possible, mostly by putting all of them on the To- or Cc-line instead of the Bcc-line as the netiquette requires. Then the same public celebration errupts immediately.

Since I left all the academic mailing lists immediately after leaving academia several years ago, I've been continuously haunted by the second manifestation of the collective ego of Israeli academia. But I never imagined I would still be haunted by it even after leaving Israel. Now I realize I totally forgot this collective ego would easily transcend any national boundary.

PS: Please allow me to recommend you the following lecture and book:

• Collective Ego - Understanding The Egoic Dynamics Of Social Systems by Leo Gura
• Academia: All the Lies: What Went Wrong in the University Model and What Will Come in Its Place by Tamar Almog & Oz Almog

Arrival at the Physical Destination of Some Personal Mission

Having left Israel two weeks ago, I arrived last week at the specific physical destination of some personal mission that chose me to accomplish somewhere in the Diaspora. Since then I've been keeping myself busy, buying the minimal stuff for my daily life, preparing all the necessary documents to apply for a visa in this country.

Unlike what I imagine as a new turbulent situation in Israel this location where I'm going to spend at least the next six and a half years is incredibly calm and clean. Since I can't start working, nor can I apply for any job there while waiting for the visa I applied for earlier this week, I've decided to enjoy this external serenity, which undoubtedly also contributes to my inner serenity.

Though I can't directly experience this wartime situation in Israel from afar, I feel I can see Israel, including its various myths more objectively, which those who live there may not be able to see so objectively as they live it, so are too emotionally involved to be objective.

One doubt that started to arise while I was still living in Jerusalem seems to be increasing as I've been exposed quite unexpectedly to new facts I had barely been aware of previously. I'm quite sure that if I had remained there in this special situation, I might not have experienced this change inside me.

At the same time I also feel quite sad that my new direct experiences here and discontinuation of my previous ones there seem to have affected me so easily in such a short period of time.

"Hero's Journey"

I left Jerusalem the day before yesterday and arrived at the destination of this personal mission of mine somewhere in the Diaspora yesterday.

I see some paralell between this "micro-mission" and the "macro-mission", which is the "descent" of our soul with a physical body in this world and composed of a series of "micro-missions". And I can see more clearly now one of the main purposes of this "macro-mission" through this parallel.

What I call here "micro-mission" is called "here's journey" by an American comarative mythologist named Joseph Campbell and often used by life coaches as a framework for their respective life coaching, including Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck and Claim Your Power by Mastin Kipp.

How this "micro-mission" that chose me (and not the other way round) perfectly matches the first stage of this "hero's journey". The life of the "hero" who used to live in his comfort zone reaches a crucial turning point. His external circumstances suddenly change significantly, and he is left with no other choice but to leave his comfort zone and go on a journey. This is exactly what has happened to me!

Please imagine the beginning of The Lord of the Kings, for example. Instead of reaching the goal of his journey easily he encounters (and conquers) a series of challenges.

I can already foresee that this "hero's journey" of mine won't be easy and I'll encounter a number of trials. But at the same time I can already foresee a huge potential for my growth by conquering them one after another with the help of some inner resource I myself wasn't aware of and/or some mentor I may encounter along the way.

PS: Wikipedia article in English on hero's journey

PPS: Excellent YouTube video clip by Leo Gura on hero's journey entitled The Highest Hero's Journey

Living and "Vacuum-Packing" the Now

As the date of my leaving Israel is approaching (next Wednesday!), thus my life in Jerusalem is coming to an end this time, I've been witnessing one fundamental change inside me. I've finally starting living the now. This is something I've studied extensively and understood at least conceptually but haven't been unable to fully implement in my daily life.

This is a strange but truly amazing feeling. Man is also called "human being" in English, but most human beings are actually human doings, that is, our being, which is our essence, has been hijacked by our doing.

Our doing and being can be compared to waves on the surface of the ocean and stillness below its surface. Living the now must also mean shifting our consciousness from that of waves from stillness. At least I now have this consciousness.

Once I've started living the now, I've also become keenly aware that the most precious thing I can give to others, especially when my time is very limited, is my presence in addition to my time. Giving my presence to others means, among others, actively listening to them without my agenda.

When I look around myself in such a state of consciousness, I realize anew that most people fail to live the now. I also realize that what prevent them from living the now are not only the fact that they've totally forgotten that they are human beings rather than human doings but also the fact that they are trapped in their own mind-made prison.

There are at least two symptoms of the mind-made prison in this specific context of failing to live the now. One is that you are hijacked by your regrets of the past and your worries about the future. The other is that your thoughts are on autopilot.

I've already witnessed this autopilot again and again every time I tell people that I've leaving Israel soon and undertake some mission somewhere in the Diaspora. Almost all of them wish me "success" at the end of our conversation. Of course, I know they only have good intentions. I tell some of those who may be able to understand me that Eckhart Tolle, my most favorite non-Jewish nondual master, teaches that the biggest challenge in life is to continue succeeding as you'll lose this way precious opportunities to learn humility. After this explanation I ask them to wish me growth rather than "success". They do so, but some of them wish me "success" automatically after wishing me growth instead of "success".

Living the now for the first time in life is such an amazing sensation! This experience also arouses in me amazing moment-to-moment feelings, which I've also started to "vacuum-pack", so to speak.

I made an experiment - and a successful one at that - of "vacuum-packing" the now, including its precious moment-to-moment feelings, when I participated in Jewish life coaching in a group of frum Jewish men in Jerusalem fro ten weeks from December 2017, when my divorce crisis started. I listened to one Jewish tune again and again - probably more than one thousand times - during and after the coaching sessions. When I listen to it, I vividly recall and can reexperience all the amazing feelings I experienced back then.

I'm making the same experiment these days, but consciously this time. I listen to one klezmer music tune used in an Ashkenazic folk dance workshop by my former dance teacher, Walter Zev Feldman, by converting this dance video to MP3. Here are the links to this video clip and one free only converter from YouTube to MP3:

• Skotshne
• YouTube to MP3 Converter

I'm also making another experiment to "vacuum-pack" the now by continuing to smell lavender, which someone has come to symbolize my life in Jerusalem, especially these days. Sense of smell is said to be the most spiritual of all the five senses. I can already foresee that every time I smell , I'll recall and reexperience all these amazing moment-to-moment feelings.

Inner Power Plant

One of the most important fruits of my having continued to study Chassidus in the past five years is that a kind of inner power plant seems to have been built inside me before I knew it. Thanks to this inner power plant, I've become less prone to negative energy.

Every society has some negative energy. The dominant negative energy I feel, for example, in Israeli and Japanese societies, includes egocentrism and resulting insensitivity, and fear of how others think of you and resulting depression respectively.

Until my last visit to Japan last late December and early January, I used to immediately absorb this negative energy in Japan and became depressed by the time I returned to Israel. I was overjoyed to realize that in this last visit I could return to Israel without absorbing this negativity.

Our natural state, or the essense of our soul, is joy. We can return to this state of joy just by removing the darkness that covers it. The sun is always shining even when it's cloudy.

It follows that what my inner power plant built automatically through my continued study of Chassidus is not to generate joy but to disperse the clouds that cover joy and prevent them from coming to me in the first place. The most prominent example of such clouds is negative thinking.

The teachings of Chassidus are characterized, among others, by ultimate positive thinking, for what lies as the foundation of these teachings is a belief that everything is good. There is affinity between this kind of belief and joy. One of the things that hide the fact that everything is good is our narrow-mindedness. Even by making the best use of our five senses and intellect we can perceive only a tiny part of the reality.

The fact that I noticed the existence of the above mentioned inenr power plant during my last visit to Japan has helped me to make a decision to leave Israel and undertake a mission somewhere in the diaspora. Without such an inner power plant I might have hesitated.

This power plant, like the other, conventional, power plants, needs to be continuously refueled and maitained. What I consider the most important fuel is my daily study of Chassidus. Of some hundred Chassidic books I've acquired in the past five years I can take or send only one tenth (cf. online list of these books). I'll continue studying these books in the destination of my mission.

What I consider no less important is to remain in touch with those friends of mine in Jerusalem whom have the same or similar spiritual vibe as mine. What is especially important to me is to continue learning the Book of Tanya, or the "written Torah of Chassidus", in khavruse with two close friends of mine separately once a week online.

Feeling the Power That Is Far Greater than the Force of My Ego

I had been struggling in vain to evade what had seemed back then the worst choice, until I decided about a month ago to surrender and accept what the power that is far greater than the force of my ego sent me.

Until then nothing worked, but since then everything has been working unbelievably smoothly as if the universe has my back. As a result I've also been experiencing for the first time such serenity I've never experienced so far in my entire life!

Naturally, it's emotionally very difficult for me to leave Jerusalem, but deep inside myself I already see a huge potential for my spiritual growth and social contribution to the destination of my mission. I've also become aware who is sending me there and why.

The enormous change I've been experiencing in the past one month, both externally and internally, must also mean that I've woken up from the illusion that I control my life and decided to trust and follow that power that is far greater than the force of my ego. I'm finally realizing my true nature - I'm not an independent wave delimited physically from other waves and with separate identities but nothing but part of the ocean!

What I've Come to Realize When I've Become Aware That My Days in Jerusalem Are Numbered

I feel that the less remaining days I have to live in Jerusalem, the keener my perception of reality becomes. What I used to perceive as black and white now looks full-colored.

One of the most important things that I've come to realize as a result is who and what are truly important to me and to whom I don't seem to be important enough. I have no time to waste for trifles and those who don't appreciate my time and presence, who are the most precious gifts I can give to those who are dear to me. For the first time in my life I'm becoming a "human being" rather than a "human doing".

I've also come to see so clearly the state of consciousness of those I know and even those I meet for the first time. When I meet them, I immediately sense their spiritual vibe. For this purpose conceptual knowledge about them only disturbs my perception. As Eckhart Tolle says, knowing about someone is one thing, and knowing them is another.

This leads me to realize more clearly than ever that most "human doings" are suffering from one collective sickness called the mind-made prison, which is caused by language. Many people have lost the ability to relate to reality without conceptualizing it with language in the form of labeling, whether they verbalize labels in speech or only in their thought.

On the one hand, this life challenge with all its implications including the above has made my relationship with certain people much closer than before, but on the other hand, I've realized that I have nothing in common with some of those whom I considered my friends.

Since I made this fateful decision to leave Jerusalem and decided to flow by following the mission that chose me, I've been learning a series of very important life lessons, some of which simply seem too much to digest. But I also feel that this is a true test in real life for all the teachings of Chabad Chassidus I've learned in the past five years, first formally at a special school in Jerusalem, then by myself.

Six Types of Reactions to My Fateful Decision to Leave Israel

In the past few weeks I've told about 50 people - mostly friends but also some acquaitances I bumped into on the street - about my fateful decision to leave Israel, hopefully not forever, in order to undertake some personal mission somewhere in the Diaspora. Once an academic, always an academic. I've identified the following six types of reactions so far:

1. Apathy
2. Judgmentalism
3. Advice
4. Superstition
5. Diplomacy
6. Empathy

These seem to reflect the levels - or to use a more neutral term, states - of consciousness of those who reacted. They are listed in the ascending order of the levels of consciousness. There is a huge, fundamental, gap between the first five and the sixth. They seem to come from the ego and the soul respectively. Of the 50 people I shared this decision with less than ten reacted empathically. Now let me elaborate upon each of these six types.

Those who reacted apathetically simply heard my decision and walked out saying little or nothing with no sign of emotion. I didn't take this reaction personally as they may be apathetic to most other people.

Judgmentalism in this specific contexts manifests itself as focusing on some grave "error" I made in their opinion and blaming me for it. Actually, those who reacted this way have repeatedly blamed me in the same manner. Fortunately, none of my friends reacted this way. Only a couple of acquaintances I bumped into on the street started blaming me again.

Giving advice when it's not requested is a very widespread reaction that is not restricted to this specific context. Those who give advice almost instinctively have only good intentions, which complicates the matter. In many cases those who can't help giving advice have never been in the same or similar situation, so their experience is very limited. They neither know nor care that I've already tried all the pieces of advice they gave and none of them worked.

Superstition means to try to encourage me by saying that everything will be alright. This is based on a naive and false idea about about life. Their superstition is based on the assumption that if we pray with all out heart, we'll get everything that our ego wants. But it's clear to anyone with enough life experiences that we don't always get what our ego wants, which is often to our ultimate benefit.

Diplomats are those who say seemingly nice words, but they take no action. For example, they say, "I'm sorry that you are leaving. Let's meet and talk before you leave." Do these people contact me? Never! I can alreasy identify diplomats quite easily.

Those who reacted empathically listened to what I had to tell them without interrupting me. They show true care though they may speak much less. After leaving academic, where rationality dominates, I've become highly intuitive. When I meet new people or even those I already know but haven't seem for a long time, I can immediately sense their spiritual vibe.

I've also identified a few common denominators among those reacted in one of the first five ways. I didn't disclose any details of my mission on purpose so that they might not start labeling me. Naturally, their first question with no exception was where I'm going. I wish I were wrong, but I'm quite convinced now after examining a sufficiently large sample of people that they have some instinctive urge to know about this mission of mine, including, first and foremost, its destination, to start labeling.

At the end of our short conversation all of them, again with no exception, wished me "success" on an autopilot. After receiving the same wishes several times I couldn't stand any more, and even asked some of them to wish me growth rather than "success". I also explained some of them who I prefer not be wished "success". This is because the biggest life challenge is said to keep "succeeding" because this way we'll never be able to learn humbleness. Besides, I'm quite sure that what most of them mean by "success" is to achieve what the ego wants.

Leaving Israel, But Hopefully Not Forever

I never imagined such a day would come. I have to leave Israel after Yom Kippur at the end of September in order to undertake some personal mission somewhere in the Diaspora. The temporary contract of this mission is for six and a half years until I reach the age of 67. I'd like to return to Israel then, but this contract may be prolonged.

For the past several months I tried everything imaginable to evade this, but I was left with no choice but to undertake this. So it chose me rather than the other way round.

I feel that I'm guided by some power that is far bigger than the force of my ego. When I tried to resist, nothing worked, but the moment I decided to flow with this power, everything flows so smoothly.

I also feel that in a sense my days are numbered here. But thanks to this feeling I'm discovering who and what are truly important to me. I have no time to lose for trifles.

I've never realized that Jerusalem is so dear to me. So I'm very sad that I have to leave it, at least temporally, hoping to return here eventually. But on the other hand, I already realize a huge potential for growing spiritually and making some contribution to society through what little wisdom I've acquired from my life experiences. So in overall terms my optimism and joy overshadow my sorrow.

When All Else "Fails"

"When all else fails...", Sonia Choquette, a renowned spiritual teacher I also admire greatly, continues in her book entitled Trust Your Vibes, "Pray".

Personally, I don't like the word "failure" as I strongly believe that there is no failure in life in the deepest sense of the word. But I understand what she means as I'm in such a situation, which I can characterize by paraphrasing "when all else fails" as "when nothing seems to work".

She elaborates "When all else fails... Pray" as follows:

"Sometimes we need to pray for a miracle. These are situations when you see absolutely no way forward and appearances point to a dead end."

"To pray for a miracle, you must have absolutely no ego resistance or interference. In other words, create an inner state of mind that completely surrenders the problem over to the Universe to resolve on your behalf and be 100 percent receptive to Divine intervention to successfully bringing about the desired outcome."

"It is also important that you pray with the understanding that if what you ask for goes against Divine Will and your soul plan, those will take priority over your request. Therefore, when praying for a miracle, it's important to include in your prayer that even though this is what you desire, if God has a better plan, thy will be done."

Of course, I totally agree with her, and this must be in tune with all the spiritual traditions and teachings. This is also the time when your faith and confidence are tested in a most fundamental way. Here is what Sonia Choquette continues to say:

"Pray with confidence that your prayer will be heard and answered in ways you do not have to figure out. Trust that you will be shown the answer one way. Pray, then let it go. You don't have to endlessly pray, plead, or beg. Pray with certainty that you are loved and that the Universe will give you the miracle you need. Then you just need to step aside and surrender your will to the Divine Will and allow it."

I don't see any sign so far, so if no miracle happens, I'll lose what I've come to understand as the second most precious thing in my life after life itself, which I seem to have to accept wholeheartedly, believing that this is also for the better.

Realizing the Preciousness of Something I Might Have to Give Up

For the first time I'm starting to realize how precious something is I might have to give up as part of one enormous challenge I've been facing in life. This is something that must be only second to life in its preciousness to me. And the previous challenge I faced in life about five years ago is dwarfed in comparison with the present challenge.

It's almost 20 years since I got this precious thing by struggling for about ten years. But to my folly, I've taken it for granted and never appreciated it enough. I'm sure that many people will be ready to sacrifice many other precious things for this privilege.

The struggle I've been facing in order not to give it up is accelerating even day by day. I also have to get over my almost daily templation to give up this struggle as nothing I've tried so far has worked.

What helps me get over this constant templation is not only my newly awakended strong desire not to lose this precious thing but also my confidence that this challenge is meant for my spiritual growth just like olives must be squeezed so that oil may be extracted from them as one famous Chabad rabbi I admire teaches.

When Heart (or Soul?) and Mind Collide

I feel I'm at one of the most important crossroads in my life now. I thought my vision quest, from which I returned two weeks ago, had given me clarity and had made me make one important decision.

But I see that my heart (or my soul?) and my mind still seem to collide about one choice that will have a far-reaching influence on the rest of my life in this physical world. My rational mind has been telling me that this choice is absurd and unrealistic and I shouldn't make it. But I also hear another inner voice which says the exact opposite.

Some spiritual teachings say that when heart and mind collide, we should follow the former, while Chabad Hasidism, for example, teaches that the latter should control the former. If I were sure that the collision is between heart and mind, I would follow the teaching of Chabad Hasidism and forget about this fateful choice.

The problem is that I'm not sure if this inner voice that is becoming stronger and stronger day by day comes from my heart or my soul. The voice of the soul is also known as intuition. When intuision and intellect collide, I've come to follow the former. And this is exactly how I decided to make my vision quest rather spontaneously.

Now I recall that actually I was faced with a similar dillema nearly 20 years ago. Back then the solution was very simple. Not following the voice of my heart (or my soul?) was not an option as the voice of my mind came to a dead end.

This time the situation is far more complicated. But I feel the voice of my mind is coming to a dead end again and I may be left with no choice but to make this choice.

One thing I know is that since I returned from my vision quest two weeks ago, I can't stop thinking of the "destination" of this choice. In a sense I'm already living it though only in my imagination so far.

Vision Quest

Last night I returned from a five-day trip, which is probably the most meaningful trip I've ever made in my entire life so far, and am still in the middle of digesting all the insights I got from it. This trip must be a special type of the so-called "vision quest".

In this specific case of mine I wanted to reconfirm the life vision I had identified about five years ago and enabled me to end the previous chapter in my life instead of finding a new life vision for the first time.

The city I chose for this "vision quest" symbolizes for me the beginning of the end of this previous chapter. I felt something deep was still preventing me from fully switching to the present chapter. So by physically visiting this city I wanted to symbolically get rid of this something once and for all.

The quantity and quality of insights I got from this short trip even surpassed the quanity of quality of insights I get in one year in my ordinary life in Jerusalem.

What I wanted to clarify through this vision quest concerned, first and foremost, where I can best accomplish my life mission, that is, whether I should continue living in Jerusalem or relocate somewhere else. And this city I visited this time, which is also my second most favorite city in the world after Jerusalem, was one of the options.

Now I know clearly that I want to and should continue living here in Jerusalem though my love for this second most favorite city of mine has increased even more. I've learned this time the fundamental difference in the types of love I feel for these two cities - my love for the latter seems to come from the heart, while my love for the former seems to come from the soul.

Another, no less important, insight I got is how to accomplish my life mission. Though saying farewell to the previous chapter in my life was my original intention, I feel I'm shifting from the present chapter, which started about five years ago, to a new one. The new chapter must be a synthesis of the previous and present chapters, or a synthesis of the so-called self-consciousness and divine consciousness into the rectified self-consciousness.

The biggest challenge I face in making this shift is that I don't know anyone personally who can be my role model. I'm also facing another difficult challenge I have to get over within a few months. This is also a test for my faith and confidence.

In conclusion, I myself am amazed that such a short trip could affect me so profoundly, of course, for the better. By extension I'm even more convinced now that our souls are here in this world with physical bodies to experience as many life challenges and grow spiritually by getting over them.

How (Chabad) Hasidism Seems to Affect Its Learners

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof agaist all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance - that principle is contempt prior to investigation." - Herbert Spencer

It's about five and a half years since I was exposed to one of the fundamental teachings of Hasidism and spent 50 hours in total for two months with a group of people who included those who live according to Hasidism. I still remember the initial double shock - I was shocked to discover the depth and breath of this branch of Judaism and realize how I used to relate to it with prejudice based on my ignorance and labeling.

About one year later, in November 2018, I started to take a three-year program in Chabad Hasidism in a special school in Jerusalem. I've also come to socialize with more and more followers of this branch of Hasidism. Since then I haven't stopped being impressed with not only its profound teachings but also how it seems to affect its learners.

These days I can identify with a high degree of certainty who has studied Hasidism in general and Chabad Hasidism in particular, but not as a purely academic area of study but as living life wisdom. The difference is especially conspicuous when I hear people who give public sermons, for example, on weekly portions of the Torah.

I also notice marked differences in speech and action as well as in thought that must be producing speech and action. What characterizes all these three types of the so-called "garments" is what is known as positivity bias vis-à-vis negativity bias, which often seems to characterize those who haven't studied Hasidism as living life wisdom. Those who are positively biased are generally full of joy.

Recently I tried to consult a number of people I know about a certain difficult life challenge I've been struggling with in the past few years. Some of them have studied Chabad Hasidism, and others haven't. The two opposite responses I received from these two groups of people have only verified my assumption about how (Chabad) Hasidism seems to affect its learners. Of course, I'm generalizing a little.

The former group of people tried to encourage me by focusing on solutions, while the latter tried to discourage me by focusing on problems though I know they didn't mean to do so maliciously. When I pointed out to some of the latter what I felt as negativity bias, they themselves seemed rather shocked to realize it for the first time.

The best example I personally know of positive transformation as a result of learning Chabad Hasidism is myself! I was deeply trapped in the darkness of my mind-made prison, and I wasn't even aware of this fact. Since I started learning Chabad Hasidism, my life has been fundamentally transformed.

PS: I have a new webpage introducing basic resources of Chabad Hasidism on my personal website.

The Same Propaganda in Different Garbs

It's through checking about 30 investigative journalists and geopolitical analysts I trust about one ongoing global issue that I've come to realize how the mainstream media, at least in the West, has become the main propaganda tool to promote the only narrative by a seemingly small group of individuals and censor and tarnish everyone who dares to challege this narrative. Some call such mainnstream media "*ensorship-industrial complex" (please replace * with c) or "*resstitute" (please replace * with p).

In retrospect I can say that the same propaganda in different garbs was promoted this way to the exclusion of all the dissenting views for the *andemic (please replace * with p) and *accination (please replace * with v). I can also say that I was totally brainwashed about these two global issues as I only used to check the mainstream media, in which I have absolutely no trust now.

Unfortunately, the majority of people I know seem to consume only the mainstream media without realizing that they are brainwashed by its propaganda. In extreme cases some people become propagandists themselves by relying themselves exclusively on these media outlets.

They also categorically reject all the media outlets and independent journalits that question the narrative they are promoting voluntarily, believing blindly that they are doing a great favor to other, "less informed", people without having any specialist knowledge on the issue they are talking about in public.

This time, that is, concerning the above mentioned ongoing global issue, I won't be brainwashed. But I have a new problem. Every time someone hears my opinion on this issue, which totally contradicts the only narrative they are exposed to and brainwashed to believe blindly, they look at me in such disbelief.

Having tried to explain to them and failed miserably in convincing them, I've come to stop talking about this specific issue if I see that the person I'm talking to is totally brainwashed. I've also found a very efficient way to measure how much someone is brainwashed by the mainstream media.

Planning Spontaneity

# Planning Spontaneity

I tell some of my friends half-seriously that I've started planning spontaneity. By spontaneity I mean flowing, as it were, by following my intuition, or the voice of my soul. By planning I mean being aware of what I do. So by planning spontaneity I decide to take action by following the voice of my soul and am also aware of this decision. Every time I plan spontaneity, I feel as if I were dancing on the stage of life.

Last time I made a rather big decision this way was when I decided to visit a certain place abroad. It was a very successful one in many respects.

This week I made yet another important decision to visit a certain city abroad for the first time in six years. I've been postponing this visit for a couple of practical reasons. I was so impressed to watch a long interview of someone who defected to that city last week that I almost cried. Then I also understood how much this place has become dear to me, and made this decision to visit it in the near future. Since then I'm filled with such enormous joy. I also want and have to check if I'm not idealizing this city.

This whole process of planning spontaneity and being filled with joy reminds me how we, or at least I, destroy the joy of life by silencing the voice of the soul and following the voice of the ego, whether individual or collective. Flowing intuitively seems to confuse the ego and doesn't give it enough time to confuse us.

The greatest pleasure of any trip is for me to plan its itinerary in advance. Though I've already plannned a fairly detailed itinerary of this short forthcoming trip, I've decided to follow my intuition there, opening myself to new "chance" encounters and possibilities.

Summer Time and Sabbath Observance

Though I'm well familiar with the putative rationale for introducing summer time, I see and experience more harm than good in what I consider a stupid attempt of the mankind to control nature.

In addition to the inconvenience of adjusting not only the conventional clocks but also our internal clock twice every year, which must have an accumulative negative effect on our physical and mental health, I recognize one problem that concerns Sabbath observance, thus may only be specific to observant Jews.

In Israel, for example, where I live, the regular Sabbath evening (= Friday evening) prayer ends even after 20:30 when the day is the longest. So observant Jews who daven according to this regular timetable have to start eating Sabbath dinner after 21:00. This can pause a serious problem not only to small children but also to adults.

This is why a number of shuls have the so-called early minyan. Before I switched to a Chabad shul last September, I used to participate in such an early minyan at the shul where I used to belong to for 16 years in Jerusalem.

Unfortunately but as expected, such an arrangement is not part of the Chabad custom. After racking my brain and consulting the rabbi of the shul, I've decided not to daven in this Chabad minyan on Friday evenings and start davening earlier by myself so that I may be able to start eating Sabbath dinner at a normal hour, by 20:00 at the latest, at least for four months between the beginning of May and the end of August.

I wish this stupid law were abolished in Israel, too, following countries such as Russia, which abolished it in 2011. I've read that Europe has also been considering to make this decision, but I don't know if any European contry has actually made it so far.

Somehow I had an impression that summer time is implemented in most countries in the world, except for those that are close enough to the Equator, thus have little benefit from summer time. But I've just found out that those countries that have legalized this twice yearly time shift are almost identical to a group of countries - US and its vassals, including EU, UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand, but excluding Japan and South Korea. In other words, the majority of the population in the world, including China and India, doesn't have to suffer from this stupid law. Good for them!

Printed Books vs. Electronic Books

Since I was a child, I've been an early adopter of new technologies. The first of these "new" - now obsolete - technologies is a tape recorder. I still have one of the first recordings I made with my new tape recorder. And the still used technologies I adopted much earlier than my friends and acquaintances include email, personal websites, and blogging.

Every time I found a new technology I had adopted useful and worthy of wider recognition, I became its preacher. And every time I tried to preach it, I encountered people who refused to try it and decided stubbornly to stick to an old technology.

I already know that many cases of such stubbornness of these people stem from their sheer ignorance of new technologies as well as their tacis blind faith that they as users of time-honored technologies are superior to those who jump to emerging technologies.

In some cases I've also identified some kind of fetishism. One excellent example of this seeming fetishism is that of printed books vis-à-vis electronic books. I still continue to encounter otherwise learned people who refuse to try the latter. This is a pity as they don't know what they miss.

It's true that printed books have a few advantages electronic books don't have. One of them, at least for me, is that the former can affect my vibration with their very physical presence in my library. This is especially the case for me with Jewish books. I feel totally different now when I'm surrounded with Hasidic books from when I still kept academic books in the active part of my personal library in the living room. I also need certain Jewish books in a printed form for Sabbath observance.

Otherwise, I prefer electronic books for the ease of storage, portability and readability. I can only keep only up to about 1,200 printed books and I've already reached this maximum. Every time I buy a new printed book, I have to make a thorny decision of taking out one existing one for "adoption".

When it comes to electronic books, the storage space isn't a problem for all intents and purposes in our age. Recently the number of electronic books I have has reached 5,000, and this number is growing every week, if not every day.

The biggest advantage of electronic books for me is their readability, or to be more precise, their listenability. When a book I want to read is on some spiritual, that is, suprarational, topic rather than a rational, e.g., academic, topic, I can understand and absorb its content much better by listening to it than by reading it.

I've been using a free Windows program called Balabolka for converting electronic books in EPUB format to voice on the fly or to an external MP3 file so that I may listen to it with an external MP3 player while on the go. This way I've "read" literally hundreds of books in the past five years since I decided to leave academia. I don't think I could do this with printed books.

Why I've Stopped Using Facebook (Again) as a Means of Personal Communication

I started using Facebook as a means of personal communication for the first time in late August 2016, right after I got married (in the meanwhile I've got divorced). I originally intented to use it to share pictures of our honeymoon and new married life with my parents and sister as well as a small number of close friends.

It didn't take long to realize that I had become addicted to Facebook and this had started to harm our married life. So only after about six months I stopped using it.

In retrospect, I know clearly now that my addiction was to instant gratifications for "likes" I received for my posts there. I also know clearly now that the more sensational the posts are, the more "friends" they reach by design.

So when I had to start using Facebook again in July 2018 as a means of marketing my new private business of Jewish life coaching, I didn't intend to use Facebook for this purpose, but the moment I reopened my account, I was flooded with "friend" requests from people I also know offline. I accepted most of them, but I told myself to use it very carefully as a means of personal communication this time.

Again it didn't take me long to realize that Facebook has some fundamental flaws as a platform for meaningful personal communication. This time I shared all my personal posts in public on purpose in order to minimize the danger of writing them from my ego. I also tried my best to stay away from those who write negative and/or toxic posts.

On the one hand, I had a far less number of meaningful dialogs with those with whom I remained connected this time. On the other hand, even after I unfriended those with whom I had no interaction whatsoever, most posts by the rest of my "friends" didn't interest me very much as they seemed to have shared their posts with their respective "friends" for instant gratifications though this must have been unconscious.

To make a long story short, I stopped using Facebook as a means of personal communication about a year ago though I continue to use it for marketing my private business and follow the business pages of those individuals and organizations that inspire me and contribute to my spiritual growth.

Since then I've never missed this personal use of Facebook as I see now that it was one of the main sources of my daily stress. And since then I make a conscious effort to invest more time and energy in other means of personal communication, including face-to-face communication, telephone conversations, chats with instant messengers, and email correspondences. These days I'm reappreciating the power and importance of face-to-face communication, especially in terms of its spiritual vibration.

It's true that since I stopped used Facebook (again), I've lost in touch with certain people. But this seems to be a kind of connection I can do without. If I really care about someone, I contact him or her by other means of communication, if not every Monday and Thursday. Recently I've started doing so consciousnly.

The Most Scary People - Those Who Never Smile

I first took a serious interest in Hasidism not intellectually but as life wisdom when I started participating in Jewish life coaching, which I now practice as a coach, for a group of Jewish men in Jerusalem in December 2017. Though I had met enough Hasidim (followers of Hasidism) before, this was the first time to spend 50 hours with some Hasidim in a special setting where we were expected to disclose our innermost agonies.

Of about a dozen participants in these life-changing coaching sessions about one half were Hasidim and the other half were the so-called misnagdim, or the "opponents" of Hasidism. Until then I used to socialize with the latter.

It didn't take me a long time to notice a stark and startling contrast between these two groups of people though I know that not everyone in any social collective behaves stereotypically. The contrast between our Hasidic and non-Hasidic participants was between joy and depression. Naturally, I socialized mostly with these joyful and smiling Hasidim.

Then I started wondering what is in the teachings and practice of Hasidism, and eventually ended up studying Chabad Hasidism for three years since November 2018. Now I know that if you study Hasidism properly, this will inevitably bring you true joy in life.

That's why it was a great shock to me to find those who don't smile among people who daven regularly at one local Chabad house to which I switched last September after davening at a modern Orthodox shul for 16 years. These people who don't smile (nor greet back) may not have studied Hasidism or may not have internalized its teachings.

The most scary people for me are those who never smile. Unfortunately, I've seen that there are such people even among frum Jews in general and at a Chabad house in particular.

The most dominant emotion that is evoked inside me every time I see someone who doesn't smile is compassion as there were times when I myself didn't smile in my mid-twenties.

I believe that smile and lack thereof reflect how much our inner sun is covered by the clouds of our egoic thoughts. I also believe that smile can be infectious as King Solomon says, "Like water face to face, thus the heart of man to man" (Proverbs 27:19 - this English translation is by Robert Alter). If I smile to strangers, they generally smile back to me.

But unfortunately, there are a minority of people whose soul is covered so thickly with the clouds of their egoic thoughts that no smile of anyone else can dispel these clouds. All I can do with them is just to keep smiling to them if I have to see them regularly, hoping and praying that one day they will also start smiling.

Nonverbal Methods for Transmitting Empathy

Since I decided to stop speaking English several weeks ago as long as I'm in Israel except for professional purposes, I've discovered that some native speakers of English here don't even know the most basic Hebrew even after living here for years.

I've told all those I used to speak with in English that they can continue talking to me in English, but I'll answer them in Hebrew. This way we manage to communicate with each other though I try to use as easy expressions as possible in Hebrew. Some of them have even decided to start speaking Hebrew with me. I must be one of the few they speak Hebrew with on a regular basis.

But when it comes to those who know little or no Hebrew even passively, our communication becomes asymmetrical - I understand them in English, but they don't understand me in Hebrew. Since I don't want to change my decision so easily, I continue this practice in the meanwhile paying a certain price.

I don't miss our small talks in particular as their main purpose was phatic. I had to find nonverbal methods for transmitting empathy as I can't rely on language now. I've found several so far, and to my pleasant surprise, they even seem more effective than language for this purpose. The following are three of them, which I've also started applying in my communication with those who share a common language or languages with me.

Since I started learning, then practicing life coaching, the way I listen to my interlocutors seems to have improved significantly as I seem to have learned unconsciously the skill of the so-called active listening. Even though they know that I will answer them in Hebrew, some of them still seem to feel like doing a monolog to someone who listens to them actively as what counts for them is not what I say in reply but the very fact that I listen to them actively. This is a rather passive method of transmitting empathy.

There is even a more passive method, which is to be fully present with them before starting to listen to them. This skill seems even rarer than active listening. I first noticed it as the common denominator in most of the stories of encounters with the Lubavitcher Rebbe. Since I read these stories a few years ago, I've been making a conscious effort to be fully present with my interlocutors even when they have a common language or languages with me. This skill becomes far more "visible" and important when the communication becomes nonverbal.

A more active method of transmitting empathy is touching their hands and shoulders or hugging them though I can only do this with male interlocutors. When I still relied mostly on language, I didn't realize how powerful touching and hugging can be. They can literally cross linguistic barriers.

Abstract Concepts vs. Concrete Objects

Recently I suddently recalled that Terence Wade, who authored what I (and many others) consider the best reference grammar of Russian entitled A Comprehensive Russian Grammar, also authored a less known but no less important reference for learners of Russian entitled Using Russian Vocabulary. I spent the past several weeks using this book, not to build but to check my Russian vocabulary. Our brain, or at least mine, isn't built for memorizing new words a priori from such a word list however excellent it is as this one.

I wasn't surprised to discover that my Russian vocabulary not only has much room for further enlargment but also is unevenly distributed. Every time I studied a new language, I always felt it easy to remember abstract concepts and difficult to remember concrete objects. Having checked my active Russian vocabulary using this book, I've seen clearly this uneven distribution of Russian words I've learned a posteriori through reading and listening.

This had always been an enigma for me, but this time I've understood why I've always been able to remember abstract concepts, especially in humanities, much more easily than concrete objects. I must always have felt intuitively that the universe is one single whole and it's only us humans who divide it into smaller parts and label them. Now I'm finally aware of this. I simply don't care how certain animals and plants, for example, are called generically. I care even less how specific pets are named privately.

A few years ago I started spending the last one hour before the end of Sabbath during the summer time, secluding myself in nature and contemplating with no language. I simply listen to the stillness of nature without labeling any concrete objects and verbalizing any abstract concepts in my mind.

Through my study of Hasidic masters and other non-Jewish mystics in both wriring and speech I've gradually come to experience one fundamental difference in the way abstract concepts are used by them and others. When I read books by those who (over)use abstract concepts without basing their use on direct experiences, their words sound dead to me and even repel me. But on the other hand, when some mystics use abstract concepts based on their direct spiritual experiences, their words sound fully alive to me and deeply penetrate my soul.

Neuroplasticity of Speaking a (New) Language

To my great joy, three of my English-speaking friends in Jerusalem have decided to take advantage of my decision not to speak English (except for professional purposes) as long as I'm in Israel and started to speak Hebrew with me though their Hebrew still has room for further improvement.

Two of them told me that it's a shame not to (be able to) speak Hebrew while living in Israel, which means continuing living in an English-speaking ghetto. The other of the three even flattered me by saying that my speaking Hebrew raises the spiritual vibe of the synagogue where both of us daven regularly.

I had a heated argument with one polyglot whose native language isn't English. She claimed that this decision of mine also means my refusal to help English speakers. I counter-argued that she and people like her prevent them from improving their proficiency in spoken Hebrew by immediately switching to English upon detecting lack of their fluency in Hebrew. This is like constantly helping small children who want to learn to walk by themselves. This otherwise bona fide help only hapmers their independence.

I must be one of the few people with whom these three friends of mine have a chance to try to speak Hebrew on a regular basis as many people don't allow them to continue or even start speaking Hebrew in Israel. This mentality of so many speakers of Hebrew is for me the mentality of the colonized.

While listening to these three people with a lot of patience and care, I'm reminded of the neuroplasticity of speaking a (new) language. Starting to speak a new language is to take out yourself from your mental comfort zone and treading a new neural path. There is no other way but to keep treading the same path repeatedly in order to become fluent in this new language.

What I did every time I learned a new language almost every year in my twenties rather instinctively was to pronounce new words, phrases and sentences in a new language again and again. I realize now that this way I must have rewritten my brain by exposing myself to the sounds of this new language. I also realize that this was an ideal way for me as my modality of learning a language is listening rather than reading.

Recently I've started reappplying this newly realized method of neuroplasticity in my yet another attempt to improve my spoken Russian, which has defied this and other methods I've devised in learning new languages quickly.

Russian is one of the language I studied very systematically. And my former teacher of Russian at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem in 1989-1990 is the best language teacher I've ever had in my entire life and her textbook of Russian is the best textbook of any language I've used so far.

A few years after I started to learn Russian, I fell in love with it, but this love for the language didn't help me very much in improving my proficiency. A few years ago - about three decades after this first love for Russian - I fell in love with it again. I feel that the application of neuroplasticity, which is conscious this time, to my renewed intensive study of Russian is working much better.

The main reason for my decision to stop speaking English in Israel is that I can't stand hearing myself speaking English, which reminds me too much of something I really abhor. But when I hear myself speaking Russian, I even feel enchanted by my own sounds of what I consider the most beautiful language on this planet.

Root of Suffering

The root of suffering is vividly depicted in a famous Zen parable of two arrows. When you are hit by an arrow, you feel pain, which is physical and isn't always avoidable - the first arrow. Then when you start to think unconsciously about this pain, you start to experience suffering, which is mental and always avoidable - the second arrow.

Recently I witnessed a living example of how this second arrow works in real time. After I sent one announcement about one decision of mine to several people, half of them responded to it constructively, while one of the rest reacted to it emotionally and even stopped saying hello to me though I emphasized that there is nothing personal against them. It was painful to see how he was causing himself suffering by shooting the second arrow to himself.

Unlike in the above mentioned Zen parable, the first arrow didn't exist in this case. He simply invented the second arrow out of nothing by unconsciously giving a negative interpretation to my announcement.

This has reminded me how I myself used to invent the second arrow out of nothing in the same way, thus causing myself enormous suffering. Thank God, I can consciously avoid this suffering in most cases now, and even in what few cases in which find myself about to shoot the second arrow, I can prevent it before it's shot to myself.

This example has also made me realize anew that it's precisely those who are intelligent that are more prone to this second arrow as they are more likely to overthink, and unconsciously at that.

Unless you are specially trained through the practice of mindfulness (meditation) etc. and/or were born with a special talent, most of the thoughts you have are automatic. So thinking for you is more like digesting than like, let's say, reading.

As someone who spent his entire life in his mind-made prison until waking up I've been claiming that meditation should be an obligatory school subject. We are encouraged to think independently at school, but unless we are also taught how to observe out thoughts mindfully, this is extremely dangerous like learning to ride a bicycle without learning how to use a brake. Unfortunately, this is the rule rather than an exception for so many people.

I want to and can help them, but there is one fundamental problem for which I haven't found any practical solution. The problem is that most of these people seem to be unaware of this problem of theirs - the problem that they think on autopilot.

I know this meta-problem very well as I was just like that until the suffering I caused to myself became unbearable and eventually led to my sudden awakening. I don't want anyone else to experience such unbearable suffering, but this might be the only viable solution, at least for some of those who are deeply trapped in their mind-made prison as I used to.

Vibrational Realignment

To stop speaking English except for professional purposes as long as I'm in Israel, about which I wrote in my previous two blog entries, was the first of my attempts for vibrational realignment, which it turn is part of one amazing Hasidic teaching I've been learning and trying to implement in my life these days.

This vibrational realignment has two aspects: on the one hand, I increase those activities that raises my spiritual vibe, and the other, I decrease those activities that lowers my spiritual vibe.

Since I stopped speaking English here a few weeks ago, I feel more vibrationally realigned. Now I can also reallocate the energy I save this way to something that is more aligned with my spiritual vibe.

This first attempt of vibrational realignment was on my choice of languages. I'm applying this to something similar - my choice of words. I've started to make a conscious effort to minimize the utterance of negative words even in those languages that can otherwise raise my spiritual vibe.

Minimizing the utterance of negative words has turned out to be a far more difficult challenge for me as I've realized that I'm still shlepping a certain years-long toxic legacy that manifests itself, among others, as judgmentalism.

A few years ago I spent about half a year five times a week in a special program with a mentor to eradicate this legacy. But now I see that it's impossible to totally eradicate it and it's been slightly resurfacing recently. So I started last week to reread by myself one book that I used with my mentor in this program, hoping to "anesthisize" the symptoms of this legacy.

Speaking vs. Listening, Reading, and Writing

This week I realized for the first time that speaking has a totally different meaning for me from the other three linguistic skills, i.e., listening, reading, and writing. When I speak a language that is aligned with my spiritual vibe, it refills my energy. On the other hand, when I speak a language that is not aligned with my spiritual vibe, it drains my energy.

Here is a hierarchy of languages I (can) speak in terms of energy consumption when I speak them:

• Russian greatly refills my energy.
• Yiddish slightly refills my energy.
• Hebrew, Japanese, and English (outside Israel) neither refill nor drain my energy.
• Esperanto slightly drains my energy.
• English (in Israel) greatly drains my energy.

I realized this several days after I decided to stop speaking English in Israel except for professional purposes and started implementing this decision last week. Strangely, however, I don't feel any energy draining at all when I listen to, read or write English.

This has led me to start asking myself what differenciates speaking from the other three linguistic skills. The provisional conclusion I've come to so far is that when I speak a language, its sounds I play to myself affect me very much as a kind of self-hypnosis.

Sounds of languages are neutral in themselves though I've always considered Russian as the most beautiful language phonetically. But once these sounds are combined to make words, then sentences, these words and sentences start to carry various connotations in turn. Russian reminds me of the culture I admire, while English in Israel reminds me too much of the (sub)culture that repels me.

Now I'm appreciating that language is not only a means of communication but also has a powerful symbolic meaning for better or for worse.

Каждый раз, когда я (слышу, как я) говорю по-русски, я чувствую такой сильный эмоциональный подъем. Это вообще такое удивительное чувство, которое я сам не могу объяснить рационально. Более того, когда я пою себе одну из моих самых любимых русских песен, я могу даже заплакать от радости.

I'm in Israel Neither to Speak English Nor to Be Part of an English-Speaking Ghetto

Though about 80% of non-Jewish books and about 40% of Jewish books I read are in English and I take notes in English, it has become more and more difficult for me emotionally to continue speaking English here in Israel except for professional purposes even in private with those who immigrated from English-speaking countries, haven't taken the trouble of learning Hebrew, and continue speaking only English, especially in public places, including synagugues, and on Sabbaths and Jewish holidays.

Many of them "complain" that Hebrew is too difficult for them to learn. But I've never heard such a "complaint" from such a large group of speakers of any other language. I can't help feeling here their linguistic arrogance. Many of the speakers of all the other languages must at least take the trouble of learning Hebrew. Even if they haven't succeeded in learning enough Hebrew, none of them would dare to speak to everyone in their respective language in public in a country they immigrated to.

I've decided to stop speaking English with these people as I'm not in Israel to speak English. In my present life this problem is especially serious in the Chabad synagogue I switched to about half a year ago from a non-Chabad one where I davened for 16 years. I feel as if I were in an English-speaking ghetto. If they don't want to learn Hebrew and prefer speaking only English in public, even to those whose first language isn't English, I also have the right not to speak English. I'm not in Israel to be part of an English-speaking ghetto.

I've never been a fanatic of Hebrew. But recently I've started to feel a growing emotional opposition to their linguistic arrogance. I also sense a kind of linguistic colonialism as a larger context of this linguistic arrogance.

Like in other forms of colonialism, there are not only colonizers but also the colonized. Unfortunately, quite a few native speakers of Hebrew seem to have decided, whether consciousnly or unconsciously, to be colonized linguisticially. They immediately switch to English when they detect an English accent in their interlocutors. Where are their self-respect and respect for Hebrew?!

Again like other forms of colonialism, the worst kind of the colonized are those who try to imitate their "masters". I've met a number of native speakers of Hebrew who have decided to raise their children in English for their eventual "success" in their study and work.

I've suddently become very sensitive to this issue recently as English has come to remind me too much of one evil force I can't tolerate any more. My tolerance has reached a limit as my knowledge has significantly increased recently about this evil force and what it has been doing with such arrogance. Of course, I'm not trying to force all these people to learn Hebrew and start speaking it in public. If they don't want to, this is their problem. But I don't want to be part of their problem any more.

I'm well aware that I'll have to pay some price for this decision - facing the challenge of relating to all the Anglophone monolinguals with compassion instead of treating them with contempt even if they remain in their linguistic comfort zone. Fortunately, one doesn't need any language to convey and perceive compassion (and contempt).

I also find it less and less comfortable emotionally to continue writing this blog in English as I feel I'm contradicting my belief. I may eventually switch to Hebrew, Yiddish and Russian, which are the three language that are the closest to my heart. The excuse I tell myself for continuing to write this blog in English in the meanwhile is that it's not meant (exclusively) for other speakers of Hebrew in Israel.

I'd like to end this blog entry with a positive tone. I'm also hoping that this decision of mine will instigate some of the Anglophone monolinguals in our synagogue to start learning Hebrew and speaking it, especially if they see this is also for their own benefit. Their linguistic inertia must be too strong for them to take themselves out of their linguistic comfort zone with no external factor. As long as you remain stuck in your comfort zone, you'll never grow. To my joy, one bilingual member has promised to help me help them, and one monolingual member has already expressed his decision in (seemingly automatically translated) Hebrew to start learning Hebrew systematically.

PS: It's ironical that the only Hebrew expressions the above mentioned "lovers" of English seem to know are greetings for Sabbath and Jewish holidays but we use Yiddish expressions instead of Hebrew ones in Chabad and other haredi communities.

We Are (from) Home

When two or more people meet for the first time in Israel (and probably everywhere else in the world, too), one of the most common questions they ask each other is "Where are you from?".

Since I started to notice the self-narrative matrix, I've come to find it both intriguing and frightening to see every time anew that both those who ask and those who are asked assume unconsciously that the question concerns the country (or the city if it's well known) where the body which their respective soul, which is their essence, borrows for a life in this world was born though the question can have multiple meanings.

This self-identification with the body must be the most fundamental and stable part of the narrative matrix about themselves and others these people have.

When I answer this question by saying that I'm from Home, none of these people seems to understand what I mean, at least at first. After I try to explain to them what I mean, some of them say that they are also from Home. But this understanding of theirs is only theoretical, and they haven't internalized this understanding. Otherwise they wouldn't ask this question and wouldn't expect the kind of answer many people give automatically.

It took me many years to come to realize that I'm from Home. I may be able to make the life of myself and those who ask me (and others) this question easier by answering what they expect me (and others) to answer. But I can't deceive myself any more by giving them what I consider an illusional answer.

For this reason it has become more and more difficult for me to be invited to a place where I have to answer this question again and again. What really exhausts me is not only this question itself but what follows afterwards. Those who ask this question don't stop here and continue to ask further questions to categorize and label me (and others). But the time they have finished their "ritual" of "interrogation, they have made in their mind an image (of me and others) that has nothing to do with our essence. The more we know about someone, the less we know them. Somehow I have to find a way to let go of this futile struggle.

Recently I've started to realize that we are not (only?) from Home but are actually Home. I still have and want to continue my spiritual practice to directly experience this.

Alena Dergileva and Her Watercolor Drawings of Moscow

Since I was a child, I've never been attracted to any type of visual art. But there have been two exceptions to this rule. This blog entry is dedicated to the second exception.

In one of my last visits to Moscow several years ago I saw a book entitled Москва: место встречи at one of my favorite bookstores in the city. The watercolor drawing on the cover of this book never left my mind since then, and I was sorry that I hadn't bought a copy of the book back then. Just in time before the start of the (stupid) sanctions against Russia, however, I bought both a print copy and an electronic copy of the book online from two bookstores in Moscow.

But the enigma of the artist of this drawing in which I literally fell in love remained unresolved, until I stumbled upon one article - Everyday life in Russia through the eyes of illustrators - published in one of my favorite online magazines in Russia a few months ago, and finally discovered the artist.

She is called Алёна Дергилёва (Alena Dergileva) and naturally lives in Moscow. In the meanwhile I've also found her website and started following her page on the Russian social media VK. It didn't take me a long time to find an album of her watercolor drawings of Moscow entitled Нарисованная Москва.

To make a long story short, I finally got a print copy of this amazing album last Friday with the help of a close friend of mine in Jerusalem who visits Moscow every month for his business.

I don't know when I'll be able to visit Moscow again as long as I can't use my credit card in Russia due to the sanctions. Until then I'll visit streets of the city in this album. I never seem to get bored to see these heart-warming watercolor drawings again and again. I'll complement this virtual trip of mine by starting to read at long last the above mentioned collection of memoirs of Moscow by a number of famous Muscovites.

Homo Categoricus

Having consciousnly observed myself and others for quite some time, and having read two books by Steve Taylor - The Fall and Back to Sanity - again this week, I've become fully convinced that the majority of human beings are suffering from one serious collective disease - unconscious obsession with categorizing and labeling everything and everyone, including themselves. Mankind should better be called homo categoricus rather than homo sapiens. We seem to be programmed to be unable to perceive reality except through the lens of our mind.

This seems to be the price human beings pay unconsciously in exchange for the acquisition of language. Mind is supposed to be our servant, and language its servant, so our subservant. But for the majority of human beings mind has become their master, and language its gatekeeper.

Almost everyone I meet for the first time in any place seems to be obsessed with knowing about others instead of knowing them. Of course, the worst manifestation of this obsession is categorizing and labeling themselves!

It's getting more and more painful to me to find myself in such a context where I meet more than a handful of people for the first time as I have to go through their "inquisition" with the same result with few exceptions - the more they know about me, the more they categorize and label me, and the less they know me, for mental categorization and labeling only distort reality.

But nothing is more painful to me than to see them so sure of what they think they are though in reality they are only identified with the illusions of their egoic mind.

Whether they categorize and label others or themselves, they are equally trapped in the false self, including the body, its place of birth, family background, etc. The true self, on the other hand, is free from all these "identities" and nothing but pure presence.

Naturally, such an explanation doesn't help them understand what I mean as there seems to be nothing I can do to help them if they are not only "asleep" but also totally unaware of this very fact.

This is my biggest life challenge I face now. Though I have no patience any more for go through this same process of "inquisition" followed by categorization and labeling again and again with each new person I meet, I've been trying to find the best way to "neutralize" this obsession without sounding judgemental to them.

PS: Of course, I'm fully aware that this way I myself may be categorizing and labeling these people.

Narrative Matrix

Since I returned from a two-week journey of contemplation, I've thinking about what I call now "narrative matrix" (and what I used to call "mind-made prison" and watching people who seem to be trapped in such a narrative matrix, or to be more precise, narrative matrices, and seem unaware of this very fact.

The most problematic kind of narrative matrix must be the self-narrative matrix, that is, what we think we are. Since our childhood we are tricked not only by our respective individual ego but also by the collective ego of the society where we live into believing what we think we are.

Another narrative matrix I've been giving much thought about is the political narrative matrix in general and its specific subtype in particular.

I started to realize that I had been trappped in this specific subtype of the political narrative last March when two broadcasting stations I had been recommended to follow were closed. Then I started to look for alternative massmedia outlets in the same language. First I tried what looked similar to these two, then just by chance I also checked those in the same language with the opposite view.

In parallel I started to follow investigative journalists on the following five alternative media outlets:

• Substack (Android)
• Locals (Android)
• Rumble (Android)
• Telegram (Android)
• Twitter (Android)

Having read and heard about analyses by about 20 such courageous investigative journalists, mainly from the US and other Western countries, I've realized to my great surprise that the narrative by two above mentioned two stations fundamentally contradicts these analyses and the one by other broadcasting stations in the same language with the opposite view match these analyses.

I have to make a special mention of one journalist in Australia named Caitlin Johnstone (website / Substack / Twitter). She is exceptionaly good even among all the amazing investigative journalists I've been following. I'd like to recommend the following four articles by her in particilar:

• Propaganda Isn't Something That Only Happens to Others (2022-12-22)
• Awakening from the Narrative Matrix (2022-12-30)
• Psychological Tyranny Is Still Tyranny (2023-01-07)
• A Prison Where the Prisoners Don't Know They're in Prison (2023-01-15)

I wish I were wrong, but it seems to me now that the above mentioned two broadcasting stations in the country I've come to love even more ended up, knowingly or unknowingly, serving as propaganda tools of one country and its allies that have been trying to demonize this country. I was tricked into their political narrative matrix.

Since I woke up from this narrative matrix, I've totally lost my trust in the mainstream media outlets of these countries as they are nothing but propaganda tools of their governments. Since then I've also been experiencing a serious problem with people who are trapped in this political narrative matrix. In the meanwhile I've found a sure sign for identifying such people, and if I see this sign in someone, I make a conscious effort not to be dragged into political arguments with them for my mental sanity.

Reasons for Continuing to Live in Jerusalem

I immigrated to Israel in August 2004 with my non-Israeli passport to assume a position as a lecturer in Hebrew linguistics at one Israeli university other than the one where I did my doctorate in the same discipline. Since then I received tenure and Israeli citizenship and lost my former citizenship. Since I left at the end of September 2020 what had seemed to be a "dream job" and started my own coaching business targeted for one country which I thought and still think can benefit from this coaching than many other countries I know, I've been asked the same question by a sufficiently large number of those living in this target country.

Their question is why I don't leave Israel and live in their country. Seemingly, this makes perfect sense. Actually, before I was exposed to Hasidism, I had been thinking of leaving Israel but for some other country I care about. Now it seems to me that continuing to live in Jerusalem makes more sense.

My Jewish life coaching is a means to an end, which is to help people wake up from the illusions of their ego. This coaching is based on the teachings of Chabad Hasidism.

In order to influence others we have to be able to protect ourselves from the negativity of our surroundings first. Unfortunately, I can't say yet that I've developed for myself a kind of inner spiritual recharger I can carry with myself everywhere to protect myself from any negative energy I may encounter. In the meanwhile Jerusalem seems to be an ideal place for continuing to develop my own portable inner spiritual recharger for two reasons.

The first reason is the presence of people who can serve as my role models, incorporating the noble teachings of Chabad Hasidism in their daily life in the physical body. We may be able to acquire knowledge solely from books, but we seem to need the physical contact with the wise in order to acquire and incorporate wisdom. Fortunately, Jerusalem seem to be more blessed with such Jewish sages than the above mentioned two countries.

The second reason is the presence of three Jewish bookstores in Jerusalem. The first is Pomeranz, which deals with Jewish books in general mostly in English, the second is Heichal Menachem, which specializes in Chabad books in Hebrew and English, and the third is Yahad, which specializes in Chabad books in Russian. Since I was exposed to Chabad Hasidism about five years ago, I've purchased about 400 Chabad books in Hebrew (about 55%), English (about 30%), Russian (about 10%), and Yiddish (about 5%). And my Chabad library is continuing to grow constantly. I don't think there is any other city in the world where one can buy Chabad books in Hebrew, English and Russian so easily.

In short, I'm grateful every day for the privilege of living in Jerusalem.

Journey of Contemplation

I returned yesterday from a two-week journey of contemplation. I've received several important insights I could not have been able to received without getting out of my routine.

During this trip I visited several places outside Israel and asked quite a few people in each of these places how they would answer the question "Who are you" and also observed people, including their verbal behaviors.

I'm more and more certain that the majority of human beings, wherever they live physically, are prisoned in one and the same place - the illusion of the ego, which is probably the most sophisticated prison. It's so sophisticated that its prisoners aren't even aware that they are prisoners.

This illusion manifests itself most prominently in their self-identification with their body and life story. They answer the question "Who are you" either explicitly or implicitly that they are their body and life story, that is, they are convinced that they are what they think they are.

What I've experienced has convinced me even more that the body and life story are not who I am. But I have to confess that my direct experience that I am pure presence hasn't fully gone beyond purely conceptual understanding, and I haven't fully disassociated myself from the body and life story.

Now I know what my next challenge is after disassociating myself from the body and life story - to reunite self-consciousness (of the ego) and divine consciousness (of the soul) into rectified self-consciousness.

This entry is rather short as I'm still trying to digest the insights I've received during this journey of contemplation.